All this time

All this time... I've been lying to myself about all the bullshyte happening in my life. I have to make up another me, to motivate the 'me' that already exists.

Maybe I was right all along. I can be who I want to be, as long as I believe it. Yes, its ripping me apart inside if I'm not careful, but its the only way I can keep on pushing.

When can I leave this desolate place, and be home where I really belong?

Onegai Shimatsu...

Onegai...
Y cant it be still for a moment. One minute I feel like flying, the next I start falling again. Its not funny, nor is it something I enjoy feeling all the time. Its so unstable!!! >.<

I hav soooo much to live for, so stop coming back and kacau me already. Just when I start thinkin life here's ok, u come back and strangle me. Wat is it that u want from me??

Feelin lost in the middle of salvation, sorrow in the middle of jubilation, pain in the middle of soothness. What is it, that can make this feeling stop? Y does the need to go all out continue to haunt me?

And so...

And so...

The story goes on. Life goes on. Its the last day of October, and the final two months of the year are already dawning. Forget all the 2012 bu**shi* and the threat of other possible 'quick death' consequences. At this moment, I just want to close my eyes, and let everything sink in. For better or worse.

One of the hardest things I had to face this year was both my grandma and the loss of my fren. Its deafening, this silence. Yet, I feel more no tears, no more remorse, no more regret. Maybe I've let go, maybe I've convinced myself of whats important in life. But knowing myself, I don't let things go so easily. Especially when they mean the world to me.

One moment. Thats all I need. And it happened.

I took my time, taking it all in, slowly, yet surely. And things started to make sense. No point in blaming, no pointing of fingers this time. No more past mistakes to think through, because thats all done. I feel lonely still, yes. But in this loneliness, it gave birth to a new kind of resolution I've never felt before in my life.

All this time, things revolving around me were considered no more than 'sub-important entities of life'. Things that could be molded and bent into any shape to fit into your life. I got over that today. Nothing in life, is absolute. There is no 'certainty' that you will always be able to control what happens around you. U just have to be prepared. It sounds morbid, to expect something to occur, especially when its as dark as death and misery, but being prepared for it... just gives you this rather strong resolve to live life even fuller now.

I had my hopes, my dreams. My share of pain and stubbornness. But that was back then, when I had only MYSELF to think about. No responsibilities, no risks. I probably should have realized all these earlier. But hey, when do you get to grow up right? Better now than never. I wont say that things are different. I still live in the same place, live by the same rules, and part of my life has always been dedicated to those people who I've cherished all my life. But today, its official. I don't live for myself anymore, I know that. For years now, all I've been doing is just, running away from things that I thought were impossible. I just wanted to get in and get out. Reap the fruits without having to pay the price.

My life, has always been about me, like it or not.

But as of now... I have other people to look after. That's why I must get better, faster, stronger. I know I don't need to protect them at all, they are all grown up and they have a new path to follow. But I want to be there when they need someone to actually be there. When they need me the most. No matter what, where or why.

Life is no bed of roses. Sir Patrick thought me that. I know I have not been the brightest, or the smartest, or the most entertaining in his class, but having endured those 4 years of non-stop pounded of knowledge, morales, values and perspectives from that man's point of view, he shaped me to take into account the things in life that matter the most to me. And for that, I owe him much much more that he'll ever realize.

There are others too. People whom depend on me, that I used to just shout out 'I wont let you down'. And I lived up to those challenges, not all, but proudly, most. And I'm pleased about it. But things will be tougher, more impossible. And there will be a time where no matter how fast you run, you just won't be able to catch up with this insane thing called life. That, is when my promises will HAVE to turn to dust, and that is something I am trying to avoid.

And yes, I found myself again. Those uncertain years, those past memories... I still hold dear, but not close to my heart anymore, because they are now in my soul. I need the space in my heart for newer and more challenging things. Frens who know me, who don;t or who think they know me, have offered valuable advise, and trust me when I say this, I've never forgotten those words shared. The only problem is... So many of you have, you know... left. I never thought of it this way, but absence really does makes the heart fonder. Time and time again I recap on happy moments, so much so that I lose track of my todays and my nows.

And then theres you. I never got to say these words to you, and I don't know if you'll ever read them again. But this, right here, is coming from that same person you knew a year ago. The same person who shared your heart, even for a brief moment, and by doing so made him the happiest man on the planet. I made no apologies, and I shed no tears. Because for better or for worse, we both know things will not work out eventually. But trust me, I've cherished every dam moment. Every action, every word, every blurry image, made me think, made me consider, made me better. =)

Hatred, vengeance, morbidity and sorrow. They have been my source of inspiration. My Uni days have been, what my UTAR pals call, EMO. Yes, hilarious. What a man falls back to when he is all alone, is sometimes so ridiculous, yet comforting to the soul. Holding on to shards of memory and EXPECTING them to make your day is bullcrap, and we all know it. But forsaking those memories is more foolish.. I'll never make that same mistake again. Tell you the truth, I've not met a single fren in Kampar that could match up to any of you wonderful souls. I'm not saying this because I wanna compare. I'm not saying this out of anger and discontent. But rather, I'm saying how much some of you mean to me, and how much you've changed me, that I don;'t believe I'll be able to find in an environment where competitiveness and striving forward without looking back is key to survival. And everytime I think back on these shard of broken memories, now that MADE MY DAY. =)

Learning... understanding... and ultimately using it. Thats total emotional management. Learning it the hard way, for the past 10 years. I admit to all those foolishness, all those times where I was unable to let things go without a fight, even if it were for the most stupid of reasons. I believe in no God, only truth and philosophy, which, many people are gonna criticize me for, but hey, I don't believe in a one God. I still believe in a superpower that governs the universe and all, but I prefer to start with myself before understanding other possibilities. The Middle Way.

So no, I don;t know if I've grown any wiser, or any better till this moment. But I can tell you. I feel so much better now. And I didn;t need the excuse of companionship, or I needed someone, or I needed to preoccupy myself with workloads or whatever. I just... woke up.

How much more of life is there? I cant tell. But how far will I go, for the sake of the people I'm going to risk my life to protect? Till I draw my last breath.

My rules haven't changed. Do more expect less. Less rewards does not mean less content. I already know what needs to be done. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself. Having done it now, I only hope it is not too late.

'I've always liked this statement of life... what its compared to, how people link life to a myriad of events or routines in life. But I think I'll stop doing that for a moment. Cuz just for now, I think I have a set idea of what life means to me. Not a person, not a dream a wish or a goal. Its something larger.....'

Hey...

Hey you...
Little boy.
Staring at the wall.

What's on your mind?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Can you see the way I see?

Yes... life's hard.
But one day,
when ur as old as I am.
U'll know.

How sweet it is,
To be loved,
And to love.
How funny things can be,
One moment your on the top of the world,
and the next you're looking up the sky,
at the clear blue clouds above.
Wondering how, and why.

Its a precious thing,
this thing called life.
Don't ever let anyone tell you,
'Its not worth living',
'Its too hard',
'Its not gonna happen'.
because its too precious..
To let go of.

DO you know why,
I set out to do,
what I had to do?
No, I guess not.
Not everyone bothers.

I live, to make sure people live.
Does that sound funny to you?
Yes, it did to me too.
I always cared for others.
So much so that I forget myself.
I cheer people on,
So much that I forget to move forward myself.
I was always there to give,
So much that people take,
Until I had no more.

And at the end of the day,
Little boy.
Where do i stand?
After giving away so much.

I sleep now in the streets,
playing an old violin,
so passers-by can give me a penny,
to buy my bread.
I drink from the morning dews that gather,
on the leaves near my old little hut near the gutters.

I have no one to love no more,
Because they called me a fool.
Ihave no frens no more,
Because they said I was too willing,
and too silly.

ANd they told me,
that my life was wasted,
that it was not worth living,
That it was all gone down the drain,
Which is ironically,
Where I sleep at night.

LIttle boy,
Listen close, and listen well.

Yes,I am nobody.
Right now, the world mocks me behind my back.
They laugh at my stupidity,
They jeer and they sneer and they call me awful names.
But, little boy,
I am not shaken.
I blamenobody.
I still live strong,
I still give, when I possibly can.

Do you know why?
Because for what I have done,
there are now hundreds,
maybe more,
that are living a GOOD life.
There are souls,
that were once lost,
that have found thier way.
There are children,
who never had the chance,
being born into the world today.

I may be a beggar,
N I may wear dirty old clothes.
But my life and soul,
little boy,
is enriched.
I sleep well at night.
I eat well.
I know no desire,
vice or malice.
I require no liquor,
no sex, no greed or envy.

For I have given this world,
My best,
My everything.
And I am still living my life,
the way I want it to be.

Let them jeer and sneer and laugh and mock,
For I need not live in their shadow,
Or the walls they build inside thier heads.
My soul is pure, and my heart is true.

And that, little boy,
Is what's important.
because for all that matters, little boy.

people can take away your life,
your fortune, your waelth;
your achievements, your dreams,
your goals,your ambition,
your work, your credit,
your fame, your position.

But they will never, ever...
Take away your pride,
your soul, and your heart.
That is one legacy,
That I am set out to do.

So don't cry, little boy.
They cant hurt you,
they cant harm you,
They can only mock and jeer and sneer and laugh,
But these things don't matter,
To the heart.

-Little Boy-
VanRyuzuki

OneRepublic - Secrets

Love this song soooo much!!! Thx Alex for intro-ing to me one day after goin to watch 'Sorcerer's Aprrentice' and enjoyin himself.xD jkjk

8 Gates of Emotional Control

In ancient Japan, spiritual leaders once believed that men possessed the power to become gods, thru a method called the 8 celestial gates. These gates are within each and everyone of us, and have the ability to open, only with true undersanding, will power, courage and several other requirements and elements that require them to achieve so. By slowly opening these 8 gates, men can achieve the path to heaven and ultimately become heavenly beings themselves.

I dunno, sounds really freaky to me.

But what I do understand is this one thing. The ancient monks of Japan used these as a gradual step to achieving something, which is where I got the idea from. Time and time again, we feel emotions, that sometimes go wild, out of control. Ur first kiss, a first hug, a betrayal, a big loss.. These feelings sometimes erupt and cause devastation to ourselves and the people around us should they go out of hand, because of the lack of control we have over them. Many ways of controlling emotions are out there, including therapy and self-searching, but since I enjoy doing stuff just because it interests me, I guess this can help me in someway or another.

We usually lose control, because according to these people, the 8 gates within us are basically opening without cohesion. Meaning they open at random, when u don't realize it. I dunno bout other people, but I feel the dam same way. I can be very excited one moment, and very down the next moment. I can feel like on top of the world, and the next moment I feel like s***. The monks in ancient Japan used the 8 celestial gates method to actually teach themselves how to gradually open these gate WHEN THEY NEED THEM, meaning having control over your OWN feelings. U can feel happy even when u are sad, feel like ur on top of the world even after a break-up and all that. Sounds like a load of bull, I know, but I'm not interested in the specifics, I just wanna know how I can gain control over my emotions, though... it does sound pretty cool to be able to feel what I want whenever I want to. xDD

Ok. Initially I thought 'that's lying to myself, right?' like self hypnotizing myself to believe that I am happy when I'm sad. But not really. Its all about understanding what ur emotions are really about. Finding out the reason why u CANT be happy, when ur sad. Why u CANT just let go of something and move on. Its a complicated process, but the key is to understand how u feel. And this is the part where many people, especially myself, fail to do all the time. Theoretically, yes, I know its what I should do, but its easier said than done right?

So when I think about it, why not result to this, cuz I'm always interested in stuff like this. xDD The 8 gates begin with the gate of emptiness or void, or ground zero. U can basically call them anything u want to, as long as the idea behind them remains. It allows us to be oblivious to everything that happens around us. Now, most of the time I, even many others,cannot , or have never realized it before, but when we meditate, when we sit down, relax, take a breather after a fight, or when we sit down and think things thru, the 1st gate opens. Some people are going 'bulls***' now but I dun giva ***... xDD Whats important here, is that knowing that there is indeed a gate like this, actually allows us to always remember to go back to the beginning, ground zero, or the point before everything happened, and reflect on the wrong moves u've made. It allows u to think and contemplate about the things to do, the thing that should not have been done, and then, u get answers, faster than anything else. (Zero theory)

The second gate to the seventh gate are not really important to me, because its all gradual stages of understanding the way things work, and eventually achieving things ONE STEP AT A TIME. But what is important, and like what a gud fren o' mine once told me, the world renown motivator, Tony Robbins used a similar method to encourage people to improve themselves. He says 'a penny a day is much easier than trying to aim higher and finding impossible ways to achieve something big in life' He tot me that it was easier to achieve goals step by step, little by little, because it is much easier and requires less effort, and the effects are amazing, cuz u dun realize how much u've achieved after that.

The 2nd to the 7th gate is just to label them according to ur own needs. For example, u can distinguish between what is gate 2 and gate 3 for urself. If I say gate 2 makes me happy, then i need to figure out what is there in gate 3 that can make me happier? If gate 3 makes me a better man, then how do i go on until i reach and become the perfect man, all the way up to gate 7?

So then, I come to gate 8, or the heaven's gate. It starting to sound like a bad naruto rip-off with guy-sensei and all that but hey,I got most of the inspiration from there. xDD The 8th gate is basically the gate which, I would, right now, in my current condition, call it impossible. because gate 8, is the grand finale. It is the final destination. It is the last gate, when u finally and truly understand all of the 7 gates, and most importantly, have the mental ability to access ANY ONE of those gates at your own WILL. That's just kick-ass cool. Its like me going from 50sph to 180sph! (smiles per hour) xDD just kidding. Its like me going from being really sad to bouncing back and be able to let go and get on with life, in a shorter time than most people. What I learned is that if I can have the ability to take my sadness or emotional distresses and then put them away for a while, do things that are more important, and then get back to it later, it will be really swell. Also, I would love to be able to take less damage from emotional distress and that sort of thing, like feeling less pain, because I finally UNDERSTAND what is going on.

So, conclusion is this. I cant do this the normal way, because its boring. So I jumbled up all these really awesome (to me) methods and came up with my own 8-gate theory to suppress my negative feelings and express the good ones. Also to understand my own feelings, my weaknesses, and then gradually be able to grow confident about who I really am and finally portray my strengths at all times.

Void Gate --->Gate 2 ---> Gate 3 --->Gate 4---> Gate 5 --->Gate 6 --->Gate 7 ---> Heaven's Gate

Sounds really funny, but I think we shud learn things in interesting ways, so why not giv it a try. xDD I just hav to label these gates according to what I want them to be, and everytime I feel sad or down all I gotta do is think back, and remember how small the steps were to move from one gate to another and gradually, yet slowly and at a comfortable pace reach the gate that I want to,which the process I hope will be much faster with more practice. ^^

I understand now

I now noe... it was not me. I now noe... all this while... that it was me who was the fool. It was me who had done so much to bring ppl together. N now it is me who is suffering in silence. Today, I've come to a decision. I need you no more. No more than the hair on my chest.

For a moment there, I was blinded by what I tot was true, but all I noe now,is that I was used, played with. I gave it everything I've got,and what do I get in return?

There is no longer the need to look back, because everything I've believe in, every hope, every dream, is no longer yours. Every idea I've shared, I'm taking them back. Every nerve, every congratulations, every yearning, every encouragement, everything. I'm forsaking you,and I'mtaking everything back.

I've gone thru my databases today, and the more of the photos I see, the more of the videos I've went through, the more clear I am as to who was wrong, and who was right. Today, it ends. Today, my new dream and my new hopes, taht no longer concerns you, begins.

The day you even begin to realise what you have done, is the day you will understand it is too late.

Because like I once said to you.

'It takes a lifetime to build trust, but only a second to tear it all down.'

I'm angered too deep to turn back the clock. I've no more wishes, no more prayers for you.

'I have, finally, after so many years, another scar on me, but this time, I want it on the front of me, not on my back, because I've got nothing more to hang on to, and there is no disgrace for me to move on.

One day, you will understand. One day, you will realise. And on that day. You will noe... that I have left you.

Gurghh..

N da cooking continues... xDD (mashed potatoes)

Went for Robson's bday

Dave n his bragi-ing violin...

Yea... try smiling having to go 4 trips back n forth from Kampar to KL in juz 3 weeks.

N heres a random shot. xDDD

Finished the last of my crazy ass assignments, got bak my midterm results and finally having the last chance to savour some rest before the big rush to the finals in 2 weeks time. =.='' in one way its hectic, but otherwise it wont be Uni life now isn't it.. xDDDD Sicne I havent been blogging for god-knows how long, I guess its only fair that I put something up to show I'm not in Mars doing back flips with the locals there.

A lot happened recently, but I don't, won't n will not develop the mood to take pics of these events n post it on fb or my blog. 1st of all, my childhood fren, Andrew, just passed away recently. The burn in my heart is tremendous, and I cant help but leak a tear or two at night. His funeral was... how do I put it, something I knew I had to attend. I actually skipped a night's sleep and my midterm exams to attend his funeral. N lemme tell you, I do not regret whatever I had done. It was good to see familiar faces there that day, but it really breaks my heart to see those faces in tears and shattered souls...

I've been doing a crazy amount of trips back to KL as well, almost 4 trips in 3 weeks. There were a couple more I guess, but I kinda lost count. Jian Yin's homecoming, Robson's b'day, etc etc. I'll try to get those updated as soon as I can, but meanwhile, there's the problem of time and the upcoming finals... =.=''''

I'm experimenting with more cooking recipes now, xDD and I have to say its really fun. Juz did a huge spring cleaning today, and adjusted my room a little here and there.

Having several issues within the group here, but thankfully I have REAL frens who would stand up for me when I need them the most. It really tells alot from thier actions, and I'm grateful. Naruto, One Piece and now Fairy Tail marathons completed, waiting for the next big thing.

Self piano lessons, with - u saw right- Aliaric Ruben (If Daniel saw this he would have gone LMAOO), cuz apparently he knows his stuff. haha. I'm saving up for a new phone, and things are getting more and more hectic even as I type. I'm spending my free time adjusting notes, cleaning my room, and playing pool at new town ( really cheap though, heh..)

Oh and just so I don't forget, there was this one time, when I went home to KL, I met my ex-tutor, Mr. Sam, whose African, and he took me to this really awesome place down at Plaza Warisan. Haha. N yeah.. African food babe!!!

Ladies finger with chillies

o this is good... xDD beef stomach!!!!

The goreng pisang of Africa!

Dun let looks fool ya. It looked ordinary to me too, but the taste was really magnificant!!

N this is the table setting. That thingy in the middle is actually flour paste,
unlike the rice we take, they take it barehanded, and its really good!

Jake was there as well, but he didn't have the guts to take it all down! Haha. I guess its not for everyone, huh? I liked the pumpkin seeds best (not in pic, too bz munching tat time. xDD), and the beef stomach was really something. Drop me a line, and I'll take u there one day (if u dare. xDD)

Oh yeah, I'm running low on reading amterial too, so if anyone sees this, lemme borrow some books.. =.='' I really need some. Kampar's void of good books. Zzz...

And that's that. Probably going to head back home to KL sometime, but god-knows when. My sis's b'day, mom-n-dad's anniversary, big-uncle's bday... all coming up in september and october. N sis's planning something as well. Well... hope my exams dun clash with these times.. T.T

That's it then. Peace out!

'Men should continue to walk forward, even if they lose a limb, thier sight, thier hearing, thier smell, or thier taste along the way, because god is fair, even if u dun believe in him, and he gives u back ten-fold what he takes away from you, unless u in turn does not deserve it in the first place.' VanRyuzuki -looking back at the old times, but not reminiscing no more, because I promised to live, now ever stronger. Cuz I know you're looking down and blessing me from above. I know u are. ..

All the small things

A breezy day. TO tell the truth, I cant really tell. I assumed it was breezy through the slightly shaking leaves on the braches of the little green trees right oposite my window, near the basketball court. The court... reminds me alot what he was like. =)

Its still early in the morning, and I'm all dressed up for the final midterm exam. Not sure about the time and all that, but rushing over to meet the teacher anyways.

Someone once told me that 'Death is merely the beginning, never the end'. I'm still having a heard time believing that. Maybe in time, those tears will finally come, but until then, all I can hold within me is an anger, an anger for the harshness of reality. So suddenwas the blow that it caused pain, immense pain in amny people I hold dear. Yet at the same time it brought me a kind of peace, a kind of resolution, the same feeling u get when u finally come to an end of a road, or the tip of a mountain. A kind of... finale.

There is still a long way to go from here. But from here on out, I have one less heart to link to, and it doesnt feel the same no more.

Bless us all... I'll promise I'll be strong. But not now. Now, I'll just let all the emptiness flood me to the brim.

Dear Andrew

Life... and its cycles.
Come to think of it, its awfully sudden.
Like a brick wall.
TOwering above you.
One day, u see a little crack.
And you think 'Hey, its insignificant.'
A week later, the crack starts to grow, by a little.
N u think 'Ah, its nothing.'
A month later, the crack starts to split up,
This time, you've forgotten about it,
like a piece of old newspaper on the sidewalks.
Months turn to years, and years turn to decades.

N one day, when u go back to the same spot.

The wall's gone.
All that's left are but rubbles,
memories of what were and what were not.

-Andrew, dear fren. Its been a while, a long while since I last saw you. THough I dont remember much, padon my poor memory, I recall that spirited, kind and warm personality within that always kept us going, no matter where we were, whatever we did. I remember camps in Bentong and Derasu, where u always played afool, made fun of people. I remember you taking chances at my sister, and ohh, how those memories were both ridiculously funny, yet leaving a tear in my eye. I remember the prom nite of 2004, where we all went drunk and staggered around Bukit Bintang. I remember those smiles, those laughters, those verses and melodies from you, how much u loved arts and the sketches u loved to draw; the naughty little things u always did, haha... Boys be boys, eh? I remember the school days, the basketball court day, the good days, wehre we hung out, talked about life, talked about girls, about what's to be, and what's yet to be found. About the bad days, when u had my back, like a brother, like a true pal. Like a man. I can only pray that you have gone to a better place, my dear fren. I am still shaken, really badly, by this loss. I noe others who are too. My sister, CHee kar, Li Qun, Li Huan, Chun Leong, Ah Mun, Kvin, .... We go a long way back. I'm sorry... I can't make it in time for your service, but I'll try, whatever and however possible, to come back to KL. Andrew... once a borther, always a brother. WAtch over us, yeah? Like u always did.

Ur dear fren, Zhi Wang.

F!

U noe... seriously.. afta not blogging for so long and I finally hav ethe urge to do so, I am really pissed off to hav to admit that I'm not blogging about nice things in a long time. I'm farking pissed off. U noe why? I just realised, that there are actually ppl in this world, who think they can get away with anything, bcuz they have ppl who idiotically cover up the truth for them.

Sorry man. I live in a world dominated by wisdom, righteousness and a sense of integrity. I dont steep so low juz to make a point, and turn my humanity over juz like tat. Just today, in class, I witnessed my best fren do the most ridiculous thing I could have imagined in my life. I made a point, he was wrong, and he had the audecity to turn the whole thing around, and make it look like I WAS THE ONE AT FAULT. How? Juz by smiling and making a sinister comment, that made everyone in the room think that I just made a joe and he was right.

If facial expressions dominated the world, then I would be in trouble. Seriously, I don;t have a very convincing look all the time, cuz I take my life the way I like it to be. But to think such manner of things really do exist! Goddammit! And seriously, its not the first time. Every time the gnag of us go around town, u get the most ridiculous conversations ever! Things that do not even matter. Adn to make things worst, everyrime I try to make a comment, they make it sound like I know nothing of it, and I have to shut it. And if I keep too quiet, I get that 'dude ur emo again' look.

The worst part? Trying to crack up a joke or two, makes me 'unrealiable' and 'not-trust-worthy'. WTF? People crack jokes all the time, and when I do it, they say I talk too much garbage?

I have only a few conclusions . 1. They are against me. 2. They have really bad sense of humour. 3. They think they can get over my head. 4. I owe them, which I definitely don't.

What the hell? I mean its enough that whenever something happens, I do things to help out even without thinking. U guys take it for granted, I understand, cuz I nvr wanted anything in return anyways. But for godsake, what the hell are you thinking?? Are you trying to prove a point to me, to the people around me?

What the fak are you trying to do?

One day.. when my limit reaches the tip of it, then u deserve all that coming, I tell u.

I've been putting up with enough sh*t for a long time now.

*JUT BECAUSE UR LOUD DOES NOT MEAN UR RIGHT!*

周杰倫 - 說了再見

周杰倫 - 說了再見



天亮了 雨下了 你走了
清楚了 我愛的 遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了
想要放 放不掉 淚在飄
你看看 你看看 看不到
我假裝過去不重要 卻發現自己辦不到
說了再見 才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去你的微笑
口紅待在桌腳 而你我找不到
若角色對調你說好不好
說了再見 才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老 永恆往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好
天亮了 雨下了 你走了
清楚了 我愛的 遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了
想要放 放不掉 淚在飄
你看看 你看看 看不到
我假裝過去不重要 卻發現自己辦不到
說了再見 才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去你的微笑
口紅待在桌腳 而你我找不到
若角色對調你說好不好
你的笑 你的好 腦海裡 一直在繞
我的手 忘不了 你手的溫度
心碎了一地 撿不回從前的心跳 傷心過去我無力逃跑
說再見 才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老 永恆往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

It speaks of both regret and a sorrowful wish that tat someone will come back one day. I love the song. xDD Really sentimental . ^^

Save Save Save!!

Yesh! Recently saved almost RM777 d!! xDD Of cuz not including the extra cash I was given during the Redang trip. I still have around RM150 to spare, and RM100 will be used for mom's b'day. ngek ngek.

Rock onn!!!! Rawr!!

Barabudor here I come!!

Talent Time 2010

3 weeks of work finally completed!! WooHoo~~!! Cant wait for the photos and the feedback. Talent Time 2010. Not really perfect, but at least I dare say it was definately better than the last 2 TTs. The show was fantastic to the max! I just cant believe Desmond Liew won in the end (although I did xD). Tien Tiam was awesome wicked and Fatt Yi deserved the prizes. I'll get the posts whe they appear on Facebook.




Here's a little proof tat this is not a dream *pinch* Oww!
xDDDD

~Lovin the life~

新不了情

I juz had tat nostalgic feeling.. Tat one where u know ur loved and u know ur in love. ^^ Nothin big. Just a thought~! But I love the song though... Makes me remember all the things in my life that I had gone through.. The people I've met. xDD

Yay!!

Yesh! I'm posting again.. xDD So much for not being able to find time. A lot happened. TO me. TO my family. My life just took a huge roller coaster plundge down the road to hell and back again.

Grandma was admitted to the hospital, getting a stroke. I was diliberately heartbroken t see her, and when I close my eyes I can still see that knocked-out, old frame of hers, those emotionless eyes and her inconsistent breathings. I would have cried. But no, I can't.

The pain she felt tat day, was reflected back into me, my soul, my life. That very moment my life changed. I started to fight. Hard. I started to believe. I started to run after things I never had the courage to do, because I thought there was time. Because time was always there by my side, but not anymore.

When I was a little chicko, I used to hang out at my grandma's place. I had a nanny then, and once in a while I would try nd sneak out and go over to my gran's house. She's a wonderful cook. I love her soups especially, gives me a real homey feeling. She was always cheerful, and even though I was the most quiet member of the house, she would never treat me as another log, like my frens used to do. Even today, after I'm all grown up, she still treats me like tat little kid, and I have to admit I loved every bit of it.

U might thinks its wierd. I love walking with her. When we go to restaurants and vacations, I almost, without thinking, volunteer to help her up stairs and slopes, because to me its like gettig to be able to do something for her, and she's always happy.

I've never felt that attached to anyone before. Not the kind of parental attachment, because this is different. This is my Ah Ma.

So I think u get the picture. How my world came crashing down on my to see her bed-ridden, unable to move like before. Even her speech patterns were drowzy and barely audible. Time and time again when I visit her at the hospital, I can see tears in hher eyes. Tears of sorrow and agony. SHe blames herself for causing us trouble, I know it.

Thats is why I have to fight. I have to prove to her, that those tears were unnesscery. Because I'm not a loser anymore. Because I want to show her, that I can be of use to this family, that I can take matters into my own hands, and not remain that same naive little boy any longer.

Back in UTAR, I realised that I'm already in Y2S1. Its a big thing for me, because my results have not been too slacking, and that mans I actually can get that 1st honours degree, if I want it. N by all means yes I freakin want it! N I'm already starting to realise the possibilities that are before me, and the people that are getting in my way. The frens I've known here in Kampar were awesome in Y1S1, Great in Y1S2, Realiable in Y1S3, but this sem, they have already shown thier true colours. They jeer at your achievements, mock ur goals and dreams. They refuse to let you take the spotlight, and push and knock u over when u are close to attaining things in life. I have the luck of having really good frens back at K.L. My latest trip to Redang told me all I wanted to know. That the kind of friends that really care and look out for you, even with all the flaws and mistakes they have made, are still those whom you can trust. N I know I'm a lucky man, for I have them by my side when I need them.

But here in Kamapr, things are not the same any longer. The people here 'think' they care for you. They 'assume' they are good people, and that they 'deserve' to be treated like kings and queens. I'm starting to wonder if UTAR was the best choice, but all said and done, I;m staying here no matter what. Because my dad told me a really good line 'A man will stand and fight, even in a losing battle.'

So in this kind of scenarios, I choose to defer from what I now know are not the true frens of mine. Because as much as you see them everyday, they do not have a place for you in thier hearts. Frens trust and care for each other, even when they don;t see eacch other, like my dear fren in Aussie. But being so close and being sabotaged again and again, being felt like a rotting apple because the more you give in to them, the more they take, and at the end of the day u start to realise that they don;t give you back. I'm not going to let that happen. Not now. Not when I know I can stand up and fight.

Money. Earning your first dolar never felt so good. Its like having the thread of the young man cut from you and opening your world to a sea of opportunities and possibilities. Even indulging in the occasional luxury with your own hard earned cash can be described as nothing less than the lovely feeling of happiness, taht every bite of an ice cream was worth every penny. Thats why I noe I'm not in the wrong course. Haha. Money talks babeh!!

I've been almost to many places already this year, from Hong Kong to Sabah to Redang and the upcoming trips still under planning. I'm going to do something I've never done before. Barabudour - the ancient temple in Indonesia. I want to pray for my sick gran, and I'm already saving cash to get the money. Its a very funny yet interesting feeling. To feel all tempted and seduced into buying that muffin with its chocolate coating and frosty icings, and when u're finally safe in he sanctuary of your room, you realise that u just saved another dollar. And at the end of the month, its like a mamoth amount (because to tell the truth, I;ve never saved a cent in my life before) of RM500++!! And all I had to do was do some spare work, stick to a nice diet of economy rice and fruits, exercise to keep my appetite in good shape, cycling for the extra stamina, and ultimately watch my savings expand! Instead of using the cash, I actually went to the bank and did cash deposits now! It's a really good feeling.

In Uni, I'm neck deep in assignments, society work and I almost ran for the SRC. But frankly, I don;t fel the sting, not that much. Because now I have a cause, and I have to prove a point. Now it's no longer time to be the same old me anymore, because nothing's going to change if you;re just going to talk about it. Nvm what they say about you. Nvm if they tell you you wont be able to last it out. Show them. Prove it to them. Prove it to her. That you're a man now. That the heavens know the time has come for this dude to make a dent in the world.

So hop on in the ride, or get the fuk otta my way.

Seriously wtf were they thinking!!

Outrage over fiery death

By NG SI HOOI
sihooi@thestar.com.my

PETALING JAYA: Netizens have expressed outrage over the fiery death of a woman in her car after petrol kiosk attendants refused to lend fire extinguishers to save her.

Venting his anger on his Facebook page, Edward Ling hit out at BH Petrol (BHP) and called for the firm to be punished by referring to it as “Boycott InHumane Petrol”.

The page also posted a note from Teo Chai Yong, whose desperate attempt to save the 27-year-old woman from her burning car proved in vain after the attendants refused to lend him the fire extinguishers.

Teo, 31, had driven to the 24-hour petrol station that was near the scene of an accident to look for a fire extinguisher after he heard screams from the trapped woman and saw sparks under the car.

Teo had pleaded with the attendants and even offered to buy the extinguishers but was rejected.

He rushed back to the accident scene, only to see the car engulfed in flames with the woman still inside.

The tragic incident happened at 3.30am on Thursday after an accident involving the woman’s Perodua Myvi, a Toyota Vios and a lorry on a flyover along Jalan Cheras near Jalan Loke Yew.

BHP managing director Tan Kim Thiam had expressed regret over the incident, saying the attendants had refused to open their doors because robberies were common at that hour.

BHP is scheduled to call a press conference soon.

Several readers questioned why the fire extinguishers were kept inside the petrol station instead of beside the petrol pumps.

Netizen Tan Loon Wern demanded that BHP make a formal apology to the victim’s family while Justin Tan said it should also compensate the woman’s family.

Another Netizen, Chong Kit Ling, expressed sadness that a human life was not valued, while Kelvin Wong Jing Zhi said petrol stations should place fire extinguishers at accessible spots.

Malaysia Crime Prevention Foundation vice-chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye said he could understand the anger showed by the public and Netizens.

“A life could have been saved if the attendants had lent Teo a fire extinguisher. This is a very unfortunate incident,” he said.

MCA Public Services and Complaints Department head Datuk Michael Chong said the attendants could have used their judgment to decide if Teo’s pleas were genuine.

“They should have just lent him the extinguisher. Instead, they did nothing. This is very sad,” he said.

Cheras MP Tan Kok Wai even called on the Government to suspend the licence of the petrol station pending investigations.

**I just cannot believe something like this could happen. So much for Budi Bahasa Amalan Kita! Bull!! What happened here is a pure case of what we call selfishness and inhumanity! For goodness sake!! A freakin fire extinguisher!!! Go n see la what's going on at least!!!!

Back... -.-''

Finally!! I mean wat the hell was all that about? I had to wait fer almost 20 days just to get a fix of that blogging-high. (yummy!), no thanks to the fact that my laptop's destroyed and had to be sent back to the factory.

xDDD

Man ohhh man... so much to talk about. Lalalala~

Exams are apporaching real soon. I mean like 8days 13 hours 4minutes and 45 seconds soon. As much as I want to say 'Bring It On!'... I cant... Of all the subjects to worry about, Business Accounting is really bugging me in a very bad way. I hardly wen tfor any of the classes, I attended the tutorials only thrice, and now I'm stuck with a very very bold choice to make - drop it and focus on the others, which I;m sure I can get an A if I did, or die trying, and risk everything. T.T headache....

Secondly, it F*KING boring here!!! T.T My daily routine turned from msn+facebook+textin+emailin+stalkin ppl on9 to .... nothing. >.< Nothing. Just blank. Wake up, sleep. Eat. Sleep. Wake up. UUrgh!! Its driving me nuts!!!

My laptop better be back soon or I'm gonna lose it.

Basically lots happened as well amidst this boringness. But that will have to wait a looong while. T.T

So the lowdown for today:

I played DOTA and won for the first time. xDDD

Tats it. I'm out. Until I find the mood to start bloggin again.

Hey I'm 2...1111??!!! Woah wait a minute!!

Ok.. heres the thing. I just had my burfday cake (thx mom n dad, it was good! xD), just blew the candles, and now... wtf?! I'm 21!!!

Dad gave me a lecture on responsibility and the world I'm now accessing into. No more teenage dreams. Cuz from now on, I bear the family name. (ok... tats serious...)

I can now vote! Yes! =p

I can now get into Zouk!! Oh yesh!! sweet!!

I can now get access into banking accounts, sign contracts, invest, buy cars, get loans, make companies!! AWESOME!!!

and then..

... I'll get jailed for committing crimes. (o.0'')

..I'll get into legal trouble everytime I screw up. (o.0'''''''''')

....I'm totally liable for any damn thing I do, can ppl can sue me. (>.<''''''''''''''''''''')

OMG!!! Can I turn back the time please!!!! AAAAhhhh!!!!! Nuuu!!!

'Just kidding. I'm really enjoying my burfday. With the wishes and all. ^^ Thx loads guys, and gals.'

Wednesday...

Called UTAR finally, and no, i'm not barred. Which is strange. Then why did they call me?

Going home tomorrow, cnt wait.

WAkakakakakakakaka!!!Wee~~!

A bag of peanuts, a can of rootbeer, and a world inside my head

Occasionally, things pop up in my head in a variaty of ways. Just the other day I had the darn tune 'Shorty's like a melody in my head that I can;t keep out, got me singing... Nanana... 'It was fun, yet awfully annoying. I ended up having insomnia the whole night. Thing is, when I woke up, I had these bunch of plans and ideas for one hell of a big project.

So I've been spending the last few hours today trying to basically recall those shards and pieces and trying to place them back together. Naturally, the ideas are all intact now, and I think its safe to say we have something we can work with here. Jake and Alex gave me thier consent earlier today, and I'm seeing a whole world of opportunities before us. Wahahaha!!! *terms and conditions applied

That aside, its getting awfully.. well.. awful. Thursday's the day I'm finally going back to KL, again after a month without having a chance to see my family for so long. I guess absence really does make the heart fonder.

The finals are coming. Its more than a month away, but it's feeling like its tomorrow. Getting all queezy even having to think about it. Dad gave me a good boost in my goal-setting. LSE's now really within reach, as long as I keep the grades up. =p

The awful part? Stress. I cant sleep at night.

Even worst than tat? Haunted. I'm thinking too much. Grr!!

Sure hope something nice happens to me after all this. It's really... well... a blardy anticlimax from the spirit-lifting month of February. I'm getting all dried up from boredrom, like a piece of laundry out in the sun.

Oh yes and there's the results. SOmehow my mid-term 2 didn't fare as well as I had expected it to be. Turns out my overconfidence got the better of me. So now I'm basically 0.6 marks below Jake. (I noe.. impossible right? I'm like soo... this!!! And he's like so... that!!! It's like... no way! Right?! *pardon the bitch talk. I'm feeling edgy. Wakakakakakaka!!

Missing the people back in KL again. Aliaric, Chern CHiang, Robson, Wai Kit, Teck Juan, Wey Sheng, Wy-san, Chun Leong, Vivian, Pei Gin and even taht backdoor neighbour Wei Yi!

Awwhhman.... I wanna go home!! But teratai's boring! I wanna go home but I dun wanna stay at home. Let's go clubbing or something! xDD

But I'm short on cash.. T.T

I noe. Mayb it'll work out if I did something tat does cost a lot, but still brings equal pleasure and maximum satisfaction. (No, its not Orange, Asia Cafe, or watever). I think I'll backpack!

Yeah!!! (its was actually decided I'm going to Sabah with Jake on the 18th. Just wanted to mae it dramatic. xDD)

So yesh! Something to look forward to there. Let's see... Then theres.. ah yes.

UTAR called me I think, wait, *checks clock* 2 days ago. Didn;t call back. Its a blardy office line with thousands of extensions, and what? They expect me to call back?! Then at least tell me who the fak to call to!! Alex Mah's saying it's either I owe them cash, I'm barred from taking an exam, or miscellanous.

-.-''

Wat miscellanous? I'm not filling in some application form ok? *Lain-lain ka?

I'm guessing the barred problem, but I can't be sure. Think I'll try and find the DSA tomoro. ZzZ...

Ok rant rant.... rant summore and .. oh yesh. I'm having a 'simple' birthday bash at my place, 22 2/7D Teratai. Already sent out the invites but due to the uncomfirmed time, I'll keep u ppl posted, I guess. I cant even tell myself to wake up in time for a 9am class.

Those little ones from Kampar are coming down too. So weee~

To sum things up.

I MISS U GUYS!!!!

I HATE EXAMS~!!!!

I WANNA GO TO SABAH TOMORROW!!!!

I NEED MORE POTATO CHIPS~~ *munch*!!! OK NOW I DON:T NEED MORE POTATO CHIPS, BUT I STILL NEED TO PLAN A SECRET-YET-RANDOMLY-AWESOME-TAKEOVER EVENT!!! excited.. weee~~!!!

^.^ ok satisfied. Nite!!

'The above was more likely to be what experts call a dose of selfrantophilanthomythosis. It's a rare yet dangerous illness, that causes any individual sad enough to have it to start talking to himself in the corner of his mind, and then having the audecity to embarass himself by putting those thoughts into words. But who cares? As long as the author's happy, there's nothing much the experts have to say about it. Besides, who noes better? Wahahaha!!!'

Fear

I guess its about time I open this up to myself and talk aboout it. I'm already 21 (few days to go, watever), and its time I actually reflect on what I want, what I need and what I wish for. Sadly, I guess there's just this weakness within me, that everytime I wake up, I lose that 'fire' that was burning up within me,a dn I go back to being square uno again. But times change and people (especially bumps like me) need to change as well.

So what am I still afraid of? All this time, instead of facing the truth and putting my all into doing things I know I can do, I end up only reminiscing on things that I shud hav, but someone else had already taken it first. Its sad to think that I am a lsave to confidence, when in fact I have a bucket load of it, but I was just too wimpy to let it loose.

What am I afraid of? I guess its time I face the truth. I'm afraid of losing. That's my biggest phobia. Losing a game, losing a battle, losing a fren. I hate the thought of it. But as I am now, I developed a new way to overcome this phobia, ignore it. Become second. Let someone else do the fall. Becuase when ur second, u'll never get the blame. No matter how many times, in every damn thing I do, I always have the same attitute. Some call it taking a step back. I know its called denial. I never tried to outdo myself, I just take a step back and let others do that.

I guess thats why people grow up, and I never do.

My fear... is of myself.

As of today, 29th March 2010, 5.42am, no matter 2012 comes or not, no matter what happens in the near future, I promise, that I'll take that step I've never done before in my life - I'll take that frikin risk, even if it means killing myself.

'The real fool is not the one asking the question and gets laughed at, its the one who knows the answer but never had the chance to speak his mind.'

Earth Hour

Lolz. I only got to participate for the last 10 minutes. I did switch off my lights and went to bed for the rest of the night, though.

Soree mother Earth!!

=p

Sickening

U noe its rather a race for power these days. I can sense it in your eyes, the way you act, the way you try to talk smooth. To my dear fren, it's not a fair thing to do. Indeed, you own the most capabilities to socialize and befren anyone, but your attitude is far beyond bad, its revolting.

I've just got my head set right today, and from what I see, I think there needs to be some kind of change here, before things get out of hand. I was indeed dissapointed when it did not involve several of my buddies. The worst, is when I realise now, that the main problem is not about you. Its my 'frens' I tot I could trust as well. Guys.. if u think that power and position is more important, so much so that you can break this promise we have of sharing every damn thing together, then lemme tell you this.

'U do something nice for me, and I'll repay it back 10 times more. U do something bad to me, then u bet I'll do the same to you'.

I was a fool to keep queit for so long.

U think, for a second, that a silent lamb is silent forever, then you continue tat way. I can do things to u you can never imagine.

Backtracking on myself...

These days its no longer the same anymore. Scars... I have em. Pain, I feel em all the time. But not like this. Not one bit as close to as this. This hurt.. this new form of agony, is something I cannot understand, no matter nhow deep I try to find out. I've questioned myself so many times... and just recently.. I guess I found the answer.

I opened my heart, 100%, for the second time in my life. No one has ever done that to me, and now, someone did. LMAO.

I let go, true, but my heart did not. A part of my being and my soul is somewhere I will never get back.

Only time can heal those wounds I guess.

These few weeks have been, well... bland.

I've been slightly lost in direction. I've been wandering around my own world, losing all sense of direction. I don;t know what to do, what I want, what I wish for.

Thx to Aliaric, I guess I know what I need to do now. Its not my fault, but getting too attached is something I'll have to work out on myself. My emotions have all been jumbled up 360 degrees. My language is degrading itself, I'm losing time to being sobre and feeling sorry for my own ass, I'm getting overly aggressive at every damn thing. Just that day, Siew Li was kind enough to fetch us all to Uni, and one the way, the guards slowed us down. One of them wanted me to put on the tag, which I refused. I did not know why. I almost wanted to get out of the car, slam the door, grab any damn thing I could find and smash it on his head. It was an awful feeling. Worst, Cheng You was actually laughing in front, and I told him to shut up. I was never angrier in this entire month than I was on that day.

I went home that day, and basically tried to calm myself down.

Today, when I woke up, I knew something was different. I knew, from the moment I stepped out of the shower, sat down on the study table, and reached out for the QT notes, that I was getting somewhere. Becasue today, I felt lighter.

Time really does do wonders, if you just let it. I was a fool, and I apologize to those I've hurt in the process of getting my head cleared. I'm just an amatuer in this relationship thingy, and I realise now that matters only get worst if we blame it on ourselves. We gotta stay open about these things. =p

Thx lots and lots to Alz and Jake for being there when I needed a fren. U guys I owe alot to.

Lolz

Hey guess wat. I guess I'm back to being the one-man-show-stoppin' me again. xDDD

Back to being single again.

Memories

Memories. Sweet, bitter, sour, spicy, hot, delicious, unforgettable, humilitating, despisable, disgraceful, disgusting. What are they for and waht do they mean to people like me? I can;t tell you a definite answer, but I'm sure as hell confirmed that my memories are always where the heart is.

Coming here to UTAR, I've been the luckiest man this semester. I've gotten the chance to know many kinds of new people, tried many new experiences, and most of all, I've got the chance to take on new challenges. The memories I've collected here are priceless, and I'll definitely never forget any of them.

I guess the most bitter sweet memories are for all to know, but I am darn sure, that they will still remain as a part of who I am.

Mr. Lim Zhi Wang, I think its time you grow the hell up and listen to your heart. We all have a reason to live for, and grimmacing and listening to emo music and drinking cheap and bitter (actually I hate it) beer doesn;t make you the million-dollar CEO you wanna be.

I'm gonna take life real serious this time.

'Quoting a random song - 'Thanks for the memories!' ;-)

I noe now

U noe... it took me quite a while to figure the whole thing out. Initially, it was painful. Really, deeply, sadly painful. I couldn't just let her go. Funny thing was I was the one who wanted it, and now I'm the same person who's feeling all giddy and emo-ing 24-7.

I thought I could understand how u felt, and I thought I could understand what you needed, and what you wanted. Well, I guess I was wrong. I know it was not a good desicion, but it was the best decision to make, and I dun regret it. I realise how wrong I was when I started to blame it all on myself. I thought it was a mistake, and it was all my fault, from the beginning till the end.

U c.. that's waht happens to people who don;t grow up, people who are not matured enuff like mua. I was being unfair. I never thought, that for a moment, that you could also bear the same burden. I thought, that I had to do it, because it was me who started it in the first place.

Alex Mah, thank you so darn much. 5 minutes with you, and I realise that this road I;m taking doesn't necessarily mean I have to blame it all on myself. There is no right or wrong, no big or small in a relationship. Love is not measured by sole actions, letters, kisses and hugs. It's measured also by the extent that you are willing to go and the things you are willing to give up.

I was willing to go a long way, but I was not willing to give up a lot of things to stay with you. I'm selfish, and I'm sorry. But I guess that's the way it is. Fate does terrible things to people. ANd when the things you are unwilling to give up happen to be things that matter a lot to you, it all makes sense.

There is no happiness is coersion, and there is definitely no happiness in trying to win soemthing at the cost of something more.

There was the right person, but there was not the right time.

I don't regret my desicion. I only regret my fate.

Moving forward. That's my choice, and that's the same I hope from you.

Home-made dinner

Hehex... My second 'home' a-la carte' dinner by Yi Theng. Its macaroni and cheese. (Don't let the casual plates fool you, the cheese was awesome!!!) Cant wait for more.. <333

Gambling at Cheng You (CY)'s house

Won: RM4
Lost: 2 hours, 12 minutes and 47 seconds

Lolz. The pic was the best shot we had. the fellas on my left and right had 21, so did I. xDD

Death..

Well I don;t know why I'm doing this, but somehow I just felt that I had to let someone know what happened.

That night, I almost lost my life. I don;t know how to measure the severeness of the situation, nor did I manage to calculate anything to ascertain how much it damaged me, but I know one thing - I'm fking happy to be alive.

I went home to KL for the CNY. My sisters had my old room, and there were some minor changes to placements of rooms, so I had my sister's old room. The first night, it was all ok. A little while into the night, I started to sneeze. I thought it was the cold, so I ignored it. A little while longer, then I started to sneeze, harder, and more frequently. Somehow I managed to fall asleep, amisdt waking up with my nose all stuck and my throat sore. I ignored it, thinking it was nothing important. The second night, the same thing occured. When morning came, I told my dad the room was too dusty. He said it was impossible, as the maid had it cleaned out just recently. SO came day three. I was sleeping, and again the sinuses came. But this time, it was no ordinary sinus. My lungs contracted, my throat was filled to the brim with phlem, and my nose was severely clogged up. I had an asthma attack. I was gasping for air, barely able to breath. My vision was blurring, I couldn't keep a straight mind, and I fet my world zoning into darkness. I was scared. I freaked out. I thought it was the end.

Then somehow, I forced myself up, raced out of the room, and tumbled down stairs into the living room, where the air was supposely cleaner (what I thought). I hugged the pillow closely, curled into a ball, and began to breath... HARD. All that was on my mind was 'Oh no.. not now... I have too much to let go...' and all these things and thoughts began to fill my head. Luckily, I started to ease up, and so did the little clogs. Immediately my lungs took in a deep breath of air. I was saved, for now. I continued that way, weezing in and out of consiousness. I was tired, so tired. Eventually I began to slide downwards and ended up on the floor.

I woke up the next day, with a severe sore thorat, a bad sneeze, and a forehead, neck and body sweatingfrom exhaustion. I told my dad what happened and I was rushed to the clinic.

And this was what I got: I am allergic to aircons.

WTF?! How on earth could I be allergic to somehting I was exposed to for almost 21 years? The reason was simple. I was in Kampar for a long time now, where the waether is dry and hot, and the only cool times was when it rained and there was temporary moisture in the air. Therefore, I was used to the air condition here. When I went home, the room I slept in had its curtains drawn, the aircon at full blast, and a it was freezing cold. My body must not have been able to withstand such changes, and out of all the things that could have happened, my asthma struck me, after 17 years of liberty, and it struck me hard.

Of the things, I am grateful I could actually still do this blogging thing. Guess the aircon's a no-no for me from now on.

'I know its not much, but I just have to stop and say thank you for all the darn things I am so grateful to have, family, frens, my girlfriend, my grandparents and all those people who gave me reason to breath.'

Kampar... March 2010

Kampar MMG - cnt beat the mamak king's, but it'll have to do. xD

Back on track with classes and lectures...

Found a new hobby - pool xDDD

Getting serious about group studies and assignments...

... but still leaving some time to celebrate Kelly's birthday.
Muahahaha!!! =3 (memang tak tau mati)

One word. Hot!!!! Its freaking burning!!! I remember Dr. XXX (cant forget his name, I only know he teaches us Sun Zi) saying there are certain conditions to use fire in war, and one of the best was dry and hot weather, thus quoting Kampar. TT

How do I describe it... ermm.... ok... its like you sleep half-naked, and when you wake up u feel all sticky and your face is covered with beads of icky swaet that sticks to your face like gum drops. And worst, the fan's on max 5, your table fan is on max 3, and even the little laptop cooler fans are on full turbo (laptop fans going *squeak!*). Going on to the streets at 12 pm is suicide. Unless you have a car, but even IN the car the aircon has to be somewhere around the middle bar. WARNING: CYCLING TO SCHOOL CAN GET YOU KILLED. Your hair starts to evaporate, then your face, then what's left of your already charred body.

I tried the hat. Trust me, it didn;t work either. I am sure you can fry an egg on the tar here. Thank goodness the IDK block aircons were up and running again, otherwise I'll be cooked, poached, grilled or somewhat seasoned up by now. TT

That's for the waether. The reason I have not been blogging, or literally doing any online activity, is due to the MID TERMS. *deng deng deng*. What's so big a deal you ask? I'll tell you what! 20 marks toward the final, and the only way I can get the 3.5 I promised myself or so help me I'll eat a horse (provided its scientifically proven that we can actually do that and I won;t get those wierd stares). TT I'm just so streesed up!! Urggh! I can;t even think straight. The stupid marking schemes and the stupid questions set was not difficult, and I can;t believe I fell for the few simple tricks. Now I'm praying. TT

CNY - part 2

Not going to give much details here, cuz all I did was go back for like 8 days or so. The bottom line was this: I had angpaos (lots of em.. xDD); I lost at 21 (also lots TT); met up with several frens (especially that rascal Li Qun who finally decided to turn up after 10 years of hiding from the mafia for smuggling illegal pantyhoses *ngek ngek*) and had loads of darn fun. Weee~~~

Get the other info on facebook. My sis was crazy enuff to load the mega-pile of pics on da web.

Lalala~

First of many more

Yeah.. My pre-CNY update. Took kinda long. xDDD Dam lazy. Will fill things in later. xDDD

The Weak... The Strong..

Heres a question. WHo wants to be weak?

Being weak means you have to be at the losing end at every game. Being weak means you have to watch people overtake you, surpass you, and all you always get to do is eat dust and rub dirt off your shoes. Being weak means that you are worthless, you are nothing compared to people who are strong, who are powerful, who can control and dominate.

And what about being strong? That you have the advantage, you have the edge, the prowess, the strength, the speed, the agility, the intelligence, the power over somebody else.

Now heres the problem.

No one is perfect. So how in the world can there be the strong, and there be the weak? If god created everyone in his image, how on earth was it possible that some people can be better than others? Why is it that we have the poor the rich, the popular and the geeks, the strong and the weak? If the gods were fair and that everyone was born to do something, how is it that an innocent 5 year old can die in a car crash, and a criminal mastermind can live up to the age of 70 and die from old age?

Heres the solution

The gods played fair. We humans did not. Its all for a good cause if we even bother to look at things from a different angle, if we can take the time to diviate from this 'pessimistic' way of thinking things over.

A metoer hit your home. The first thing that comes to mind is 'Oh God! Why the hell did you do this to me?' You never cared to bother what if that metoer had crashed directly into you or your little sister playing near the beach.

A tsunami crashed into the seaside. You see your parents getting drawn away by the huge waves. You start going 'Oh God, NooOOOoOOO!!!' and blaming things on yourself and start feeling sorry. You don;t stop for a second to think, that there was a reason He let you live, that you were not flushed along with them.

A car crashed into you. You're paralyzed for life. You blame the world, every part of it, because you're jealous, because they can do what you cannot. You don;t stop for a second to wonder, to be tahnkful, to think of the million other things that MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED instead, worst things.

I'm wayyy over my head here. But the thing is this. Why is it that some people want to start feeling sorry, because someone else is stronger, better, more powerful? You were born with a reason, and that reason is to live. We humans, are selfish. We always are. We start to think, IF ONLY I HAD THAT< IF ONLY I HAD THIS. Why do you think kids watch spiderman over and over again? Because he fights bad guys and theres no more crime and the world is at peace? Yeah that might be the case in the early 1970s, but its no longer about humanity and what it means anymore. Its all about the glory, the superstrength. Oh if only I could climb walls, I wont be late for work. Oh, if only I could fly, I could save on airline tickets.

Adults are no better. Oh, if only I had that new Mitsubishi, I would give anything for it. Oh, if only I had a bigger house, then I won;t have to wake up and bump my head on my brother's top bunk every morning.

We're selfish, and this selfishness leads to greed, anger, wrath, lust and envy. Because we want things for ourselves. Because we want it all, we want the best.



So the next time you think you are weak. THink about this. A strong man who can lift a mountain, serves no purpose, if he wishes to move mountains for mere pleasure of the eye. The prettiest of damsels, is a mere distraction, if her beauty is all that she poses, and that is all she wishes others to see.

We are strong, when we can have the courage to give what we have, however little, to people who need them. We are stronger, when people know what you need, and they start giving back. And we are strongest, if all of us could have done the same damn thing to each other. Because then, they will be no more weak people in this world anymore.

So if you think you are weak, you are not. You never will be. Because you have something that others do not, however oblivious, however puny, insignificant to the eye. Because of this, you are unique, and that was why the gods played fair in the first place.

No one is weak. We are all strong in our own ways. It when you start to be jealous, and you want what others have, that the whole damn systems fails.

We live in the year 2010. Sad to say, it already has.

'Yea... we're all weak. But I would give something away, if it meant it could make someone else stronger. That way, in very pecliar ways, I find myself becoming stronger. Its a funny world the Gods made, and its by these funny rules that we shall play.'