Yay!!

Yesh! I'm posting again.. xDD So much for not being able to find time. A lot happened. TO me. TO my family. My life just took a huge roller coaster plundge down the road to hell and back again.

Grandma was admitted to the hospital, getting a stroke. I was diliberately heartbroken t see her, and when I close my eyes I can still see that knocked-out, old frame of hers, those emotionless eyes and her inconsistent breathings. I would have cried. But no, I can't.

The pain she felt tat day, was reflected back into me, my soul, my life. That very moment my life changed. I started to fight. Hard. I started to believe. I started to run after things I never had the courage to do, because I thought there was time. Because time was always there by my side, but not anymore.

When I was a little chicko, I used to hang out at my grandma's place. I had a nanny then, and once in a while I would try nd sneak out and go over to my gran's house. She's a wonderful cook. I love her soups especially, gives me a real homey feeling. She was always cheerful, and even though I was the most quiet member of the house, she would never treat me as another log, like my frens used to do. Even today, after I'm all grown up, she still treats me like tat little kid, and I have to admit I loved every bit of it.

U might thinks its wierd. I love walking with her. When we go to restaurants and vacations, I almost, without thinking, volunteer to help her up stairs and slopes, because to me its like gettig to be able to do something for her, and she's always happy.

I've never felt that attached to anyone before. Not the kind of parental attachment, because this is different. This is my Ah Ma.

So I think u get the picture. How my world came crashing down on my to see her bed-ridden, unable to move like before. Even her speech patterns were drowzy and barely audible. Time and time again when I visit her at the hospital, I can see tears in hher eyes. Tears of sorrow and agony. SHe blames herself for causing us trouble, I know it.

Thats is why I have to fight. I have to prove to her, that those tears were unnesscery. Because I'm not a loser anymore. Because I want to show her, that I can be of use to this family, that I can take matters into my own hands, and not remain that same naive little boy any longer.

Back in UTAR, I realised that I'm already in Y2S1. Its a big thing for me, because my results have not been too slacking, and that mans I actually can get that 1st honours degree, if I want it. N by all means yes I freakin want it! N I'm already starting to realise the possibilities that are before me, and the people that are getting in my way. The frens I've known here in Kampar were awesome in Y1S1, Great in Y1S2, Realiable in Y1S3, but this sem, they have already shown thier true colours. They jeer at your achievements, mock ur goals and dreams. They refuse to let you take the spotlight, and push and knock u over when u are close to attaining things in life. I have the luck of having really good frens back at K.L. My latest trip to Redang told me all I wanted to know. That the kind of friends that really care and look out for you, even with all the flaws and mistakes they have made, are still those whom you can trust. N I know I'm a lucky man, for I have them by my side when I need them.

But here in Kamapr, things are not the same any longer. The people here 'think' they care for you. They 'assume' they are good people, and that they 'deserve' to be treated like kings and queens. I'm starting to wonder if UTAR was the best choice, but all said and done, I;m staying here no matter what. Because my dad told me a really good line 'A man will stand and fight, even in a losing battle.'

So in this kind of scenarios, I choose to defer from what I now know are not the true frens of mine. Because as much as you see them everyday, they do not have a place for you in thier hearts. Frens trust and care for each other, even when they don;t see eacch other, like my dear fren in Aussie. But being so close and being sabotaged again and again, being felt like a rotting apple because the more you give in to them, the more they take, and at the end of the day u start to realise that they don;t give you back. I'm not going to let that happen. Not now. Not when I know I can stand up and fight.

Money. Earning your first dolar never felt so good. Its like having the thread of the young man cut from you and opening your world to a sea of opportunities and possibilities. Even indulging in the occasional luxury with your own hard earned cash can be described as nothing less than the lovely feeling of happiness, taht every bite of an ice cream was worth every penny. Thats why I noe I'm not in the wrong course. Haha. Money talks babeh!!

I've been almost to many places already this year, from Hong Kong to Sabah to Redang and the upcoming trips still under planning. I'm going to do something I've never done before. Barabudour - the ancient temple in Indonesia. I want to pray for my sick gran, and I'm already saving cash to get the money. Its a very funny yet interesting feeling. To feel all tempted and seduced into buying that muffin with its chocolate coating and frosty icings, and when u're finally safe in he sanctuary of your room, you realise that u just saved another dollar. And at the end of the month, its like a mamoth amount (because to tell the truth, I;ve never saved a cent in my life before) of RM500++!! And all I had to do was do some spare work, stick to a nice diet of economy rice and fruits, exercise to keep my appetite in good shape, cycling for the extra stamina, and ultimately watch my savings expand! Instead of using the cash, I actually went to the bank and did cash deposits now! It's a really good feeling.

In Uni, I'm neck deep in assignments, society work and I almost ran for the SRC. But frankly, I don;t fel the sting, not that much. Because now I have a cause, and I have to prove a point. Now it's no longer time to be the same old me anymore, because nothing's going to change if you;re just going to talk about it. Nvm what they say about you. Nvm if they tell you you wont be able to last it out. Show them. Prove it to them. Prove it to her. That you're a man now. That the heavens know the time has come for this dude to make a dent in the world.

So hop on in the ride, or get the fuk otta my way.