There was a time when life was simple and ordinary. A time when you woke up in the morning with nothing but sweetdreams and cupcakes. A time when every passing moment made sense, and you knew what you had to do next. Then, those times begin to fade. You begin to encounter choices. And it gets more and more difficult from there on. How to tie your shoes, what clothes to wear, and it gets even more complicated.. the courses to study, what university you want to get into.... what to say on your first date.... And making these choices just isn't enough. You have to time it right, balance them properly. If you don't... the consequences are futile.
And that's who I am. A badly made choice. Dreams were meant to be made out of hope and desire, passion to acieve and will to strive towards achieving it. But yet.. along the road, I've made many... well, choices that were less than to my liking. Regret is only a fraction of the true feeling I face. Taking up STPM was my latest endeavor.
Thinking back (Well, its only been 3 months ago), I felt a little foolish. After graduating form 5, I got splendid results for my SPM (11As and a B), and from there, I thought.. hey! I'm good eh? I started to get over my head for some time, thinking that I have come far. By all means, I decided that I could handle STPM.... aka the Second Toughest Examination In The World. Only now do I realise that you don't stay high up forever. Nobody does. In which I had to learn to face my own demons in the worst way I could imagine.
Things went rather well in the first year. Friends, the same old environment (I went back to my alma mater), and the new challenges seemed like a good start. Then, it began to get taxing. Increasing amounts of work. Rising in the level of diffficulty in the questions. I knew I made a bad move. STPM was nothing that I could ever imagined. But by the time I realised it, I was in too deep. Naturally, you fight till the finish. But I.. made one of the worst decicions in my life. I quit. I gave up, on the spot and on the dot.
Eventually, I flunked all of my papers in class, all but MUET, since English actually appealed to me. I even happened to be the best in my class, yet it was a subject that carried little weight on the shoulders of my future. And just when things could'nt get any worst. STPM dawned. The real thing. The entire enchilada. And on the day before I stepped into the exam hall, I knew.. that my life was over.
3 months had past since I took that examination. I spent most of my time fighting to forget about what I've been through. I didn't want to talk about it, think about it, discuss or even listen to anything people had to say about ever taking that ridiculous course. I got so worked up over it I begin to find that I was losing myself. But I didn't care. I just wanted out. And then... it came. the 10th of March 2009. D-day. To most... it was the day their hard work was to be rewarded and judged. To me... it was time to face the music.
I went rather late that day... deciding to drag it on and on, refusing to face the fact that I was going to accept reality.
12.05pm
I drew a long breath, and headed out of the house. the 25 minutes in the car alongside my mother was tedious.... I refrained from discussing about it. I kept telling myself.. I deserved everything that was going to happen. But I knew.. Deep down.. that I haven't tried my best.. at all. In fact.. I realised that I have been a coward, hiding behind the reality, refusing to accept the fact that for once in my life, I have met my limits.
12.35 pm
Word on the hallways said that the results have bee delayed by a bit, and would be out by 1pm.
1.25pm
Still no word of the results. The testimonials have been signed for and received. I made it clear to myself that I could show no resentment. Yet nobody could notice the falsity of my expressions. Everyone was too nervous.
1.45pm
Down at the canteen. Hannah was being jovial like she always was. Chee Kar, Robson, Wai Kit, Chern Chiang.. the same gang that stood with me during the entire holidays indulging in xPKserver online.... Now sat at the same table. I tried not to look too worried. Fact is.. I was. Terrified rather. Till Pn. Chan, our Chemistry teacher approached the table, a smile on her face. She patted each of us on the shoulders, and told us that we had done rather well. I was nervous. Psychology was playing mind games with me. She finally looked at me, and said, 'Zhi Wang.. Not bad oso la...' Reliefed? Nah... I told myself that it was jsut words of comfort. I had knew that I was not going to like what I was going to see.
1.56pm
It was time. Everyone crowded in the little Physics lab to take waht would be the paper that would judge thier hardwork and toil over the past 18 months. I was petrified by then, but hoaxed myself into staying calm and collected. And there it was. In my hands... my name written in bold across the front. Three neat tears away. Aliaric beamed opposite me, beckoning me to open it faster. And whe I finally did... I was dumbfounded.
Without considering little faults and complications. I had a 3.0 CGPA.
The most shocking was the fact that I scored a B for my Physics... when I never bothered to read it up. and another B- for my Chemistry?? WTF?? I was barely passing that paper. I could have broken down and cried!!
After not passing up my Math homework. Literally ignoring notes in class. Barely able to pass my Physics and chatting over lame jokes in Economics and I was given a 3.0 pointer???? I was estatic. A part of me said I didn't get an A and I deserved to just drop dead, roll over and die. But the other part of me, the part that is still with me while I am typing this, was actually downright happy!! I thought of myself as a failure, and yet, I have a chance to get into a Universiy as well.
Fairly pleased, yet I knew this wasn't going to be my parent's expectations. So, all I have to say.. is that I was lucky. I deserved less, and I was, in fact, really lucky. The next part of my University life (not sure if they want me... but I have to try) will be made out of a well learnt lesson.
I know I can never make the same mistake twice.
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