Wednesday...

Called UTAR finally, and no, i'm not barred. Which is strange. Then why did they call me?

Going home tomorrow, cnt wait.

WAkakakakakakakaka!!!Wee~~!

A bag of peanuts, a can of rootbeer, and a world inside my head

Occasionally, things pop up in my head in a variaty of ways. Just the other day I had the darn tune 'Shorty's like a melody in my head that I can;t keep out, got me singing... Nanana... 'It was fun, yet awfully annoying. I ended up having insomnia the whole night. Thing is, when I woke up, I had these bunch of plans and ideas for one hell of a big project.

So I've been spending the last few hours today trying to basically recall those shards and pieces and trying to place them back together. Naturally, the ideas are all intact now, and I think its safe to say we have something we can work with here. Jake and Alex gave me thier consent earlier today, and I'm seeing a whole world of opportunities before us. Wahahaha!!! *terms and conditions applied

That aside, its getting awfully.. well.. awful. Thursday's the day I'm finally going back to KL, again after a month without having a chance to see my family for so long. I guess absence really does make the heart fonder.

The finals are coming. Its more than a month away, but it's feeling like its tomorrow. Getting all queezy even having to think about it. Dad gave me a good boost in my goal-setting. LSE's now really within reach, as long as I keep the grades up. =p

The awful part? Stress. I cant sleep at night.

Even worst than tat? Haunted. I'm thinking too much. Grr!!

Sure hope something nice happens to me after all this. It's really... well... a blardy anticlimax from the spirit-lifting month of February. I'm getting all dried up from boredrom, like a piece of laundry out in the sun.

Oh yes and there's the results. SOmehow my mid-term 2 didn't fare as well as I had expected it to be. Turns out my overconfidence got the better of me. So now I'm basically 0.6 marks below Jake. (I noe.. impossible right? I'm like soo... this!!! And he's like so... that!!! It's like... no way! Right?! *pardon the bitch talk. I'm feeling edgy. Wakakakakakaka!!

Missing the people back in KL again. Aliaric, Chern CHiang, Robson, Wai Kit, Teck Juan, Wey Sheng, Wy-san, Chun Leong, Vivian, Pei Gin and even taht backdoor neighbour Wei Yi!

Awwhhman.... I wanna go home!! But teratai's boring! I wanna go home but I dun wanna stay at home. Let's go clubbing or something! xDD

But I'm short on cash.. T.T

I noe. Mayb it'll work out if I did something tat does cost a lot, but still brings equal pleasure and maximum satisfaction. (No, its not Orange, Asia Cafe, or watever). I think I'll backpack!

Yeah!!! (its was actually decided I'm going to Sabah with Jake on the 18th. Just wanted to mae it dramatic. xDD)

So yesh! Something to look forward to there. Let's see... Then theres.. ah yes.

UTAR called me I think, wait, *checks clock* 2 days ago. Didn;t call back. Its a blardy office line with thousands of extensions, and what? They expect me to call back?! Then at least tell me who the fak to call to!! Alex Mah's saying it's either I owe them cash, I'm barred from taking an exam, or miscellanous.

-.-''

Wat miscellanous? I'm not filling in some application form ok? *Lain-lain ka?

I'm guessing the barred problem, but I can't be sure. Think I'll try and find the DSA tomoro. ZzZ...

Ok rant rant.... rant summore and .. oh yesh. I'm having a 'simple' birthday bash at my place, 22 2/7D Teratai. Already sent out the invites but due to the uncomfirmed time, I'll keep u ppl posted, I guess. I cant even tell myself to wake up in time for a 9am class.

Those little ones from Kampar are coming down too. So weee~

To sum things up.

I MISS U GUYS!!!!

I HATE EXAMS~!!!!

I WANNA GO TO SABAH TOMORROW!!!!

I NEED MORE POTATO CHIPS~~ *munch*!!! OK NOW I DON:T NEED MORE POTATO CHIPS, BUT I STILL NEED TO PLAN A SECRET-YET-RANDOMLY-AWESOME-TAKEOVER EVENT!!! excited.. weee~~!!!

^.^ ok satisfied. Nite!!

'The above was more likely to be what experts call a dose of selfrantophilanthomythosis. It's a rare yet dangerous illness, that causes any individual sad enough to have it to start talking to himself in the corner of his mind, and then having the audecity to embarass himself by putting those thoughts into words. But who cares? As long as the author's happy, there's nothing much the experts have to say about it. Besides, who noes better? Wahahaha!!!'

Fear

I guess its about time I open this up to myself and talk aboout it. I'm already 21 (few days to go, watever), and its time I actually reflect on what I want, what I need and what I wish for. Sadly, I guess there's just this weakness within me, that everytime I wake up, I lose that 'fire' that was burning up within me,a dn I go back to being square uno again. But times change and people (especially bumps like me) need to change as well.

So what am I still afraid of? All this time, instead of facing the truth and putting my all into doing things I know I can do, I end up only reminiscing on things that I shud hav, but someone else had already taken it first. Its sad to think that I am a lsave to confidence, when in fact I have a bucket load of it, but I was just too wimpy to let it loose.

What am I afraid of? I guess its time I face the truth. I'm afraid of losing. That's my biggest phobia. Losing a game, losing a battle, losing a fren. I hate the thought of it. But as I am now, I developed a new way to overcome this phobia, ignore it. Become second. Let someone else do the fall. Becuase when ur second, u'll never get the blame. No matter how many times, in every damn thing I do, I always have the same attitute. Some call it taking a step back. I know its called denial. I never tried to outdo myself, I just take a step back and let others do that.

I guess thats why people grow up, and I never do.

My fear... is of myself.

As of today, 29th March 2010, 5.42am, no matter 2012 comes or not, no matter what happens in the near future, I promise, that I'll take that step I've never done before in my life - I'll take that frikin risk, even if it means killing myself.

'The real fool is not the one asking the question and gets laughed at, its the one who knows the answer but never had the chance to speak his mind.'

Earth Hour

Lolz. I only got to participate for the last 10 minutes. I did switch off my lights and went to bed for the rest of the night, though.

Soree mother Earth!!

=p

Sickening

U noe its rather a race for power these days. I can sense it in your eyes, the way you act, the way you try to talk smooth. To my dear fren, it's not a fair thing to do. Indeed, you own the most capabilities to socialize and befren anyone, but your attitude is far beyond bad, its revolting.

I've just got my head set right today, and from what I see, I think there needs to be some kind of change here, before things get out of hand. I was indeed dissapointed when it did not involve several of my buddies. The worst, is when I realise now, that the main problem is not about you. Its my 'frens' I tot I could trust as well. Guys.. if u think that power and position is more important, so much so that you can break this promise we have of sharing every damn thing together, then lemme tell you this.

'U do something nice for me, and I'll repay it back 10 times more. U do something bad to me, then u bet I'll do the same to you'.

I was a fool to keep queit for so long.

U think, for a second, that a silent lamb is silent forever, then you continue tat way. I can do things to u you can never imagine.

Backtracking on myself...

These days its no longer the same anymore. Scars... I have em. Pain, I feel em all the time. But not like this. Not one bit as close to as this. This hurt.. this new form of agony, is something I cannot understand, no matter nhow deep I try to find out. I've questioned myself so many times... and just recently.. I guess I found the answer.

I opened my heart, 100%, for the second time in my life. No one has ever done that to me, and now, someone did. LMAO.

I let go, true, but my heart did not. A part of my being and my soul is somewhere I will never get back.

Only time can heal those wounds I guess.

These few weeks have been, well... bland.

I've been slightly lost in direction. I've been wandering around my own world, losing all sense of direction. I don;t know what to do, what I want, what I wish for.

Thx to Aliaric, I guess I know what I need to do now. Its not my fault, but getting too attached is something I'll have to work out on myself. My emotions have all been jumbled up 360 degrees. My language is degrading itself, I'm losing time to being sobre and feeling sorry for my own ass, I'm getting overly aggressive at every damn thing. Just that day, Siew Li was kind enough to fetch us all to Uni, and one the way, the guards slowed us down. One of them wanted me to put on the tag, which I refused. I did not know why. I almost wanted to get out of the car, slam the door, grab any damn thing I could find and smash it on his head. It was an awful feeling. Worst, Cheng You was actually laughing in front, and I told him to shut up. I was never angrier in this entire month than I was on that day.

I went home that day, and basically tried to calm myself down.

Today, when I woke up, I knew something was different. I knew, from the moment I stepped out of the shower, sat down on the study table, and reached out for the QT notes, that I was getting somewhere. Becasue today, I felt lighter.

Time really does do wonders, if you just let it. I was a fool, and I apologize to those I've hurt in the process of getting my head cleared. I'm just an amatuer in this relationship thingy, and I realise now that matters only get worst if we blame it on ourselves. We gotta stay open about these things. =p

Thx lots and lots to Alz and Jake for being there when I needed a fren. U guys I owe alot to.

Lolz

Hey guess wat. I guess I'm back to being the one-man-show-stoppin' me again. xDDD

Back to being single again.

Memories

Memories. Sweet, bitter, sour, spicy, hot, delicious, unforgettable, humilitating, despisable, disgraceful, disgusting. What are they for and waht do they mean to people like me? I can;t tell you a definite answer, but I'm sure as hell confirmed that my memories are always where the heart is.

Coming here to UTAR, I've been the luckiest man this semester. I've gotten the chance to know many kinds of new people, tried many new experiences, and most of all, I've got the chance to take on new challenges. The memories I've collected here are priceless, and I'll definitely never forget any of them.

I guess the most bitter sweet memories are for all to know, but I am darn sure, that they will still remain as a part of who I am.

Mr. Lim Zhi Wang, I think its time you grow the hell up and listen to your heart. We all have a reason to live for, and grimmacing and listening to emo music and drinking cheap and bitter (actually I hate it) beer doesn;t make you the million-dollar CEO you wanna be.

I'm gonna take life real serious this time.

'Quoting a random song - 'Thanks for the memories!' ;-)

I noe now

U noe... it took me quite a while to figure the whole thing out. Initially, it was painful. Really, deeply, sadly painful. I couldn't just let her go. Funny thing was I was the one who wanted it, and now I'm the same person who's feeling all giddy and emo-ing 24-7.

I thought I could understand how u felt, and I thought I could understand what you needed, and what you wanted. Well, I guess I was wrong. I know it was not a good desicion, but it was the best decision to make, and I dun regret it. I realise how wrong I was when I started to blame it all on myself. I thought it was a mistake, and it was all my fault, from the beginning till the end.

U c.. that's waht happens to people who don;t grow up, people who are not matured enuff like mua. I was being unfair. I never thought, that for a moment, that you could also bear the same burden. I thought, that I had to do it, because it was me who started it in the first place.

Alex Mah, thank you so darn much. 5 minutes with you, and I realise that this road I;m taking doesn't necessarily mean I have to blame it all on myself. There is no right or wrong, no big or small in a relationship. Love is not measured by sole actions, letters, kisses and hugs. It's measured also by the extent that you are willing to go and the things you are willing to give up.

I was willing to go a long way, but I was not willing to give up a lot of things to stay with you. I'm selfish, and I'm sorry. But I guess that's the way it is. Fate does terrible things to people. ANd when the things you are unwilling to give up happen to be things that matter a lot to you, it all makes sense.

There is no happiness is coersion, and there is definitely no happiness in trying to win soemthing at the cost of something more.

There was the right person, but there was not the right time.

I don't regret my desicion. I only regret my fate.

Moving forward. That's my choice, and that's the same I hope from you.

Home-made dinner

Hehex... My second 'home' a-la carte' dinner by Yi Theng. Its macaroni and cheese. (Don't let the casual plates fool you, the cheese was awesome!!!) Cant wait for more.. <333

Gambling at Cheng You (CY)'s house

Won: RM4
Lost: 2 hours, 12 minutes and 47 seconds

Lolz. The pic was the best shot we had. the fellas on my left and right had 21, so did I. xDD

Death..

Well I don;t know why I'm doing this, but somehow I just felt that I had to let someone know what happened.

That night, I almost lost my life. I don;t know how to measure the severeness of the situation, nor did I manage to calculate anything to ascertain how much it damaged me, but I know one thing - I'm fking happy to be alive.

I went home to KL for the CNY. My sisters had my old room, and there were some minor changes to placements of rooms, so I had my sister's old room. The first night, it was all ok. A little while into the night, I started to sneeze. I thought it was the cold, so I ignored it. A little while longer, then I started to sneeze, harder, and more frequently. Somehow I managed to fall asleep, amisdt waking up with my nose all stuck and my throat sore. I ignored it, thinking it was nothing important. The second night, the same thing occured. When morning came, I told my dad the room was too dusty. He said it was impossible, as the maid had it cleaned out just recently. SO came day three. I was sleeping, and again the sinuses came. But this time, it was no ordinary sinus. My lungs contracted, my throat was filled to the brim with phlem, and my nose was severely clogged up. I had an asthma attack. I was gasping for air, barely able to breath. My vision was blurring, I couldn't keep a straight mind, and I fet my world zoning into darkness. I was scared. I freaked out. I thought it was the end.

Then somehow, I forced myself up, raced out of the room, and tumbled down stairs into the living room, where the air was supposely cleaner (what I thought). I hugged the pillow closely, curled into a ball, and began to breath... HARD. All that was on my mind was 'Oh no.. not now... I have too much to let go...' and all these things and thoughts began to fill my head. Luckily, I started to ease up, and so did the little clogs. Immediately my lungs took in a deep breath of air. I was saved, for now. I continued that way, weezing in and out of consiousness. I was tired, so tired. Eventually I began to slide downwards and ended up on the floor.

I woke up the next day, with a severe sore thorat, a bad sneeze, and a forehead, neck and body sweatingfrom exhaustion. I told my dad what happened and I was rushed to the clinic.

And this was what I got: I am allergic to aircons.

WTF?! How on earth could I be allergic to somehting I was exposed to for almost 21 years? The reason was simple. I was in Kampar for a long time now, where the waether is dry and hot, and the only cool times was when it rained and there was temporary moisture in the air. Therefore, I was used to the air condition here. When I went home, the room I slept in had its curtains drawn, the aircon at full blast, and a it was freezing cold. My body must not have been able to withstand such changes, and out of all the things that could have happened, my asthma struck me, after 17 years of liberty, and it struck me hard.

Of the things, I am grateful I could actually still do this blogging thing. Guess the aircon's a no-no for me from now on.

'I know its not much, but I just have to stop and say thank you for all the darn things I am so grateful to have, family, frens, my girlfriend, my grandparents and all those people who gave me reason to breath.'

Kampar... March 2010

Kampar MMG - cnt beat the mamak king's, but it'll have to do. xD

Back on track with classes and lectures...

Found a new hobby - pool xDDD

Getting serious about group studies and assignments...

... but still leaving some time to celebrate Kelly's birthday.
Muahahaha!!! =3 (memang tak tau mati)

One word. Hot!!!! Its freaking burning!!! I remember Dr. XXX (cant forget his name, I only know he teaches us Sun Zi) saying there are certain conditions to use fire in war, and one of the best was dry and hot weather, thus quoting Kampar. TT

How do I describe it... ermm.... ok... its like you sleep half-naked, and when you wake up u feel all sticky and your face is covered with beads of icky swaet that sticks to your face like gum drops. And worst, the fan's on max 5, your table fan is on max 3, and even the little laptop cooler fans are on full turbo (laptop fans going *squeak!*). Going on to the streets at 12 pm is suicide. Unless you have a car, but even IN the car the aircon has to be somewhere around the middle bar. WARNING: CYCLING TO SCHOOL CAN GET YOU KILLED. Your hair starts to evaporate, then your face, then what's left of your already charred body.

I tried the hat. Trust me, it didn;t work either. I am sure you can fry an egg on the tar here. Thank goodness the IDK block aircons were up and running again, otherwise I'll be cooked, poached, grilled or somewhat seasoned up by now. TT

That's for the waether. The reason I have not been blogging, or literally doing any online activity, is due to the MID TERMS. *deng deng deng*. What's so big a deal you ask? I'll tell you what! 20 marks toward the final, and the only way I can get the 3.5 I promised myself or so help me I'll eat a horse (provided its scientifically proven that we can actually do that and I won;t get those wierd stares). TT I'm just so streesed up!! Urggh! I can;t even think straight. The stupid marking schemes and the stupid questions set was not difficult, and I can;t believe I fell for the few simple tricks. Now I'm praying. TT

CNY - part 2

Not going to give much details here, cuz all I did was go back for like 8 days or so. The bottom line was this: I had angpaos (lots of em.. xDD); I lost at 21 (also lots TT); met up with several frens (especially that rascal Li Qun who finally decided to turn up after 10 years of hiding from the mafia for smuggling illegal pantyhoses *ngek ngek*) and had loads of darn fun. Weee~~~

Get the other info on facebook. My sis was crazy enuff to load the mega-pile of pics on da web.

Lalala~

First of many more

Yeah.. My pre-CNY update. Took kinda long. xDDD Dam lazy. Will fill things in later. xDDD

The Weak... The Strong..

Heres a question. WHo wants to be weak?

Being weak means you have to be at the losing end at every game. Being weak means you have to watch people overtake you, surpass you, and all you always get to do is eat dust and rub dirt off your shoes. Being weak means that you are worthless, you are nothing compared to people who are strong, who are powerful, who can control and dominate.

And what about being strong? That you have the advantage, you have the edge, the prowess, the strength, the speed, the agility, the intelligence, the power over somebody else.

Now heres the problem.

No one is perfect. So how in the world can there be the strong, and there be the weak? If god created everyone in his image, how on earth was it possible that some people can be better than others? Why is it that we have the poor the rich, the popular and the geeks, the strong and the weak? If the gods were fair and that everyone was born to do something, how is it that an innocent 5 year old can die in a car crash, and a criminal mastermind can live up to the age of 70 and die from old age?

Heres the solution

The gods played fair. We humans did not. Its all for a good cause if we even bother to look at things from a different angle, if we can take the time to diviate from this 'pessimistic' way of thinking things over.

A metoer hit your home. The first thing that comes to mind is 'Oh God! Why the hell did you do this to me?' You never cared to bother what if that metoer had crashed directly into you or your little sister playing near the beach.

A tsunami crashed into the seaside. You see your parents getting drawn away by the huge waves. You start going 'Oh God, NooOOOoOOO!!!' and blaming things on yourself and start feeling sorry. You don;t stop for a second to think, that there was a reason He let you live, that you were not flushed along with them.

A car crashed into you. You're paralyzed for life. You blame the world, every part of it, because you're jealous, because they can do what you cannot. You don;t stop for a second to wonder, to be tahnkful, to think of the million other things that MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED instead, worst things.

I'm wayyy over my head here. But the thing is this. Why is it that some people want to start feeling sorry, because someone else is stronger, better, more powerful? You were born with a reason, and that reason is to live. We humans, are selfish. We always are. We start to think, IF ONLY I HAD THAT< IF ONLY I HAD THIS. Why do you think kids watch spiderman over and over again? Because he fights bad guys and theres no more crime and the world is at peace? Yeah that might be the case in the early 1970s, but its no longer about humanity and what it means anymore. Its all about the glory, the superstrength. Oh if only I could climb walls, I wont be late for work. Oh, if only I could fly, I could save on airline tickets.

Adults are no better. Oh, if only I had that new Mitsubishi, I would give anything for it. Oh, if only I had a bigger house, then I won;t have to wake up and bump my head on my brother's top bunk every morning.

We're selfish, and this selfishness leads to greed, anger, wrath, lust and envy. Because we want things for ourselves. Because we want it all, we want the best.



So the next time you think you are weak. THink about this. A strong man who can lift a mountain, serves no purpose, if he wishes to move mountains for mere pleasure of the eye. The prettiest of damsels, is a mere distraction, if her beauty is all that she poses, and that is all she wishes others to see.

We are strong, when we can have the courage to give what we have, however little, to people who need them. We are stronger, when people know what you need, and they start giving back. And we are strongest, if all of us could have done the same damn thing to each other. Because then, they will be no more weak people in this world anymore.

So if you think you are weak, you are not. You never will be. Because you have something that others do not, however oblivious, however puny, insignificant to the eye. Because of this, you are unique, and that was why the gods played fair in the first place.

No one is weak. We are all strong in our own ways. It when you start to be jealous, and you want what others have, that the whole damn systems fails.

We live in the year 2010. Sad to say, it already has.

'Yea... we're all weak. But I would give something away, if it meant it could make someone else stronger. That way, in very pecliar ways, I find myself becoming stronger. Its a funny world the Gods made, and its by these funny rules that we shall play.'