WHAT THE FAK

Ever had the feeling that you were being watched? Shadows lurking around every corner stone, waiting for the right time to pounce on you, tearing you to shreds? Ever wondered how time and time again you always seem to escape from demise, only to fall into a deeper and ever trickier crater, and soon you begin to find, that there is no way out at all?

Luck, fate, chances... Not really my cup of tea. Yet, time and time again, I begin to feel like something's playing me for a fool. Everytime I decide to take a giant leap ahead of me, the crater seemed to get larger than it was before. Everytime I finally garnered the courage to take that first step, the others have already crossed the finishing line. Yeah... sucks, I noe. And I admit, its these times and times again that keeps me thinking.... is my life really dictated? Or is it just me, in the wrong time, at the wrong palce, at the wrong moment. Coincidences, maybe? Sheer soincidences?

Well, then I tried again earlier today. I vouched that I would do something.... something I've never ever done before in my life, until that moment. The timing? Perfect. Obstacles? Cleared. And just as I was about to embrace that final goal, something, well.. out of the blue happened and reality struck me in the face. Its like another fella pooping out of nowhere when you're lining up in the cafeteria, shoving you aside and saying, 'Chill it kid, wait your turn.'

'Hell, no!' This is not how I want my life to end up to be! Forever being in second place, or even getting soooo close, near perfection! Its like Mr. Almost all over again.

And what am I doing about it? Yeap. I'm lamenting, ranting about it to people that I don't even know read this stuff at all. Such a loser I am. No wonder I lost in everything.

So... why not try again?

If it takes a thousand tries to harness success, then maybe, its time I kicked into a higher gear. This coating fits me no more. Time for a change. Reality really did kick in. Here I am, seeing the real world at its true evil and malice in the flesh, and all I'm gonna do is lament about it. Shhhhish.

Its not like I haven't tried.

Its because something is holding me back - me. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I climb too high, I fall, hard. I'm afraid, that people see me indifferently, stares and glares that I cannot, and I mean it, cope with. I fear. I tremble. I am helplessly.... hopeless before the wrath of destiny. That's just who I am.

Someone once said that 'If you fear success, that you will never succeed at all'. I adore success. I adore every part of it. But attaining that bit of success requires sacrifice, something I just haven't really grasped hard enough I guess. I thought I've grown up, yet, when you look through the window of truth, I realize how bloody insignificant I am compared to the vastness of it all.

A chance... is something you take, because it will take you where you want to go.

But what if, chances will never open for you? Crack the door of Heaven and demand one? Or be that obedient little lamb and wait your turn. Wait it out. Patience. The ever-so-grandiose virtue?

If I'm allowed to be confused and start back at square one, well... pat myself on the back cuz Mr. Silly-Diddly is back where he started.

Lemme tell you something really interesting. Today, I have to admit that UTAR is really testing my patience. Its testing every fibre in my body to quit, get the freaking hell outta there before the darn-ness consumes me. I attended two classes today - English for Management, and the ever so interesting Teambuilding excercise. English... my gawd! Imagine, if you had to start all the way back from square one?! I mean come on! Nouns and Adverbs???? Gimme a f-king break here! I'm not saying its bad. I'm not saying other people in other countries all the around the world do it, nor am I complaining because other people in the same field takin this degree has to face it. Its not that! It's making me question my sanity. My entire being! What the darn hell am I doing here!? Why the f am I wasting my time taking down notes on how the f to make f-ing sentences when the f-ing 16 years of my life was spent grinding f-ing grammar, vocab and bookhunts? WHAT THE FAK? Its making me doubt myself more than anything else in the world! The other interesting part is the people there, and that I can understand.

Another question is this. The lecturer gave a presentation that the Eagle, is a symbol of Leadership. I'm not gonna go into details here, but this is kinda like my take. She took the part of it from a video, which symbolized the lion as the representation of strength and spirit, and tat it give others no excuse to disbelieve in themselves (the lion is not the TALLEST, not the LARGEST, not the SMARTEST or most INTELLIGENT, and definitely not the most POWERFUL animal in the jungle, yet the other animals fear him) which I think is beautiful. But the eagle.... the eagle, is the champion of the skies. It has swiftness, it has nurturing abilities, it has strength, sight and most importantly, it can be unmercifully harsh. But to be a leader, don't the emotions, needs and necessities of is followers count? The reason why I kinda objected in class was because the eagle, although it has its pros and might and all, is more or less a solitary animal (don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with religion). It chooses to build its nest high up in the mountains, isolating itself. Yes, the argument is there - That makes it different from the others, right? And difference is what separates the men from the boys, the eagle from the birdies. But in my point of view, the eagle may have the perfect abilities to hunt and survive, it does not have the ability of affection. It nurtures its young, but only its young. It is kind to the relatives it has, but cruel to its prey. It symbolizes individualism, where only people it chooses to love and connect with is spared from its might and wrath. Only things it likes is taken into its wings and fluttered, while the rest is shun and gradually eaten. The eagle... is a leader. A harsh one, and in this age of democracy (although fading), eagles, well, don't really blend that well as my next choice of a leader, no matter how capable, because its only a matter of time before you get eaten as well.

So it made me think... hard. But the other part of me is telling me 'Hold it, chill. Its not that bad, not yet. Take the time and wait it out. After this, you can finally achieve what you want.'

So I'm not going to give up. Not now, not in the near future. But still.... if this keeps up, its only a matter of time before I go bonkers and do something really insane.


@_______@

Gimme a fakin break....