Childish

Had a normal day. Why normal? Its a freaky balance of something really good, and something really bad. Yea. Contra them both and you get a balance. An equal. Thats the problem with this world. People want to know results, only : a balanced day. But they don't see the process: an exremely good mixed with an extreme bad.

Toka Koka. The rules of this world, and everything I believe in. Give something, and take something. You don't give, you don't take. But what this 'law' of the universe failed to say is, not everything follows toka koka. Love, friendsip, sacrifice... all these don't fall under the rule. You love somone, you do everything in your power to keep them happy. You don't expect something in return. Your parents give you everything, and they only hope that you be happy. Your best fren looks out for you, and he doesn't seek compensation. These are beautiful events that doesn't require something to be sacrificed to gained something of an equal amount.

Sometimes I feel that toka koka is more to me... a hope than anything else. They say you treat people the way you want to be treated. =) Bullshit. Reality>Fantasy. No matter how much you give out, you will, emphasise NEVER get the exact same treatment as what you have given out. I dont want to talk about luck. I dont want to talk about fate. I want to talk about now, this moment, this time in my life. I give, I wait. I sacrifice, and I wait somemore. I take a step back, and people tredge forward, leaving me out. I care, I get cursed. I try, I get lost.

Yeah... ranting again huh? No matter how many times, yeah... U will never get that same treatment. Say anything you like, I'm emotional, I'm childish, I'm just sad. But ask yourself this question when you face the same thing one day. U noe I'm not lying. So the best solution? For me, I choose to continue to do wats right, because that's just who I am. But u stand in my way again, there are no second chances in my dictionary.

I witnessed a recent incident.. actually two. One, is a fren of mine, Jake was his name. He went beserk on a Monday morning, practically he was pissed of about something. Now, I did the noble and stupid thing - The immeidate response I had that very morning was not to stay at home, but I actually let my breakfast go, and go over to his place, thinking he was obviously upset about something. Now, when I got there, he looked fine, seemed fine, and well yeah was kinda fine overall. We had a little chat, and it looked all cleared up. So I thought. After school, he showed me the message he sent my brother Cheng You. He said, quote 'wat for you listen to him? the fella like to do things emotionally. so childish.' Seriously, I was heartbroken. The night before, we went for the MU Liverpool match. Jessica (our project leader) gave me a call, and we were supposed to meet up to clear things up for a meeting the next day. But she failed to specify the time and date, and ultimately we cancelled the entire thing. Jake didn't find out. And so I got the blame for 'not-telling-him EVERTYTIME we-planned-something'. I was demolished.

You see.... if getting the blame for standing up for rights, being there when people need you, and taking charge of things, then I apologize for those things. But the sorry isn't at what I did. Sorry's on you. I hardly slept the night before coming up with the plans for the booklet which, ultimately got cancelled as well. Think about how I felt if all you did was wake up in the morning and had your hair done and was waiting to go out and COURT girls?

Emotions.... is a very touchy-feely thing. You either have too much of them, or too little. I envy those who have a perfect balance. Doing something doesn't really mean thinking only about now and then, its weighing the consequences of your actions and doing what you feel is right. You're busy with your life, and so am I with mine. I have my feelings, you lack yours. Funny thing is, every where I turn, I seem like the only one supporting people, and nobody seems to be there to support me when I take a fall. All I get is sneers and laughter. Not even you, Jake. Not even you.

You have changed for the better, yes. But your blardy (ok.. I'm using it again) attitude of ignoring other people's feelings is getting on my nerves. You think you can rule the world? You think sincerity is nothing more than work and play? You think you can make a friend in just 5 minutes and tell the world 'Look at me! I'm famous!' when people are actually asking what the hell did the guy just say?

I don't treat people, especially friends, as a tool for sucess. A friend is for life. We look out for one another. I'm happy I'm not you. Yes, I envy your influence of getting to know people fast. But sit back, ask yourself, are you sure you made real friends? Or just frens? Are you sure what you're doing is really tat? All I see is insincerity. All I see is faking. All I see is temporaryness. Blinded by lust and the need to multiply wealth and hunger for a quick dollar. You think you have the right to say what you want because you own an ability no one has? You think you can step over people's dead bodies because you have a happy-going attitude that doesn't even look real?

You don't tell me that I'm not myself. You don't tell me I cant be emotional over things that happen in my life. A good amount of emotions is good. Get some in your own life for crying out loud. Childish.

The second event is the recent meetings with the FE club. I had never, quote 'NEVER BEEN SO INSANELY ANGRY'. You know what... its not even worth my time typing anything. Unprofessionalism is a 50% factor why people think UTAR will not bear good students. Congratulations, you bunch of people are one of them.


'I'm pissed, half drunk on anger, and totally blacking out in a while. The environment here is swell, but the people here are really just too immature to deal with. For once, I miss KL. I miss the Form 6 people. I miss the dudes and gals back in KL who actually have a hint of life and what it REALLY means, instead of being immature and selfish about things that happen in thier life. I have but one word. F*ck off. Nobody cares if you die or live here, so maybe I shud stop doing the opposite.'

11.33 pm, 27 October 2009