Peace

Finally, theres a sense of accomplishment again. Wee~~!!! End post. haha

i'm not perfect

i was wondering when the feeling would come back. this urge to write, to blog, to express myself. i realised a thing or two today, and one of it, was that i turned from writing to express, to writing to impress. i'll stick to the former from this day forth, because who am i kidding? i can write to court and woo if i put my heart to it, but these words arent't going to put food on my table. not yet. =)

so i took some time these few days, collecting my tots, giving myself a vacation, if u will. and i come to realize, there's just so much mistakes in my life. i'm 22 this year. its like, a flash since i started writing this blog back in form 6. but i wont start reflecting on my past like i use to. not today. today, i wanna talk about my mistakes. =)

i spent so much time gazing the stars, i never took the time to look at the moon, even when she was juz rite thtr in front of me. i spent so many night thinkin about the past, that i never took the courage to take a step into the future. i made a promise to myself, and this time, i made it. but how many more times will things b this smooth? am i prepared for failure? i'm not perfect.

i cant say how well i've done this semester. i made a pact with myself, my true self. i inisisted that there were two me(s), one evil, and one good. i insisted that the evil me had taken over. i was wrong. there was always me, and just me. i juz had to take it out on somebody, that's all. i forgot to do the most basic thing of all basic things before i started out my life - to be true to my heart. now i found my way back. =)

spending hours and hours a day feeling sorry for myself because i couldn't do what i TOT i had to do, won't make things any better. for starters, my fren died this year. there was pain, there was sorrow, but there were no tears in my eyes. none at all. because i finally realised the truth. i wasn't sad that he left. i was sda he didn't say goodbye. i wasn't prepared at all. knowing this, i know i cant change what's happened. i cant expect myself to do more than what i can do. but i noe, i'll always keep him here, in my heart, and live my life for a greater good, in his memory. that's what i shud hav done a long time ago.

my grandma's disease hit me hard as well. but i have to be frank. i have to learn to accpet the truth. people grow old, they come to a time where, well... they have to let go. i have to let go too. its hard to say i admit so, but yes, i admit so. i dun feel one bit darn good about it at all. yet, accepting the facts make me feel better, at least allowing me to see things more clearly than I've ever been able to in a long time. so yes... i cnat do anything about this, not for her, not for anybody's sake. but i can promise myself that i will not let the same thing happen to MY mother, if at all, something comes up. I swear it.

i sit in my bed all day, looking at the laptop screen, and yet i blame myself for not knowing whats goin on out there. i delay myself to take 2 steps to refill my container for a drink of water, yet i tell the world that i cant b stronger. its a matter of the mind, i know. emotions, feelings, sentiments... its all a decoy to what really matters, whats really important - the heart. if i cant learn to see things at its core, i cant move forward. forget goin to London, and makin big bucks, and all the future plans i hav for myself. i cant even understand what's goin on in my own head. till i figure that out, i'm gonna hav to just get my lazy bum off the softness and warmth of the comforter, and into my thinkin chair.

i am a non-believer of extremities - yet i'm gettin the idea that i'm living like one. i say i dun accept the turth as it is, that there will always be other possibilities, yet i cant take failure, only sucess. contradictory, isnt it?

so all the mushy stuff aside, i need to remind myself of how good it felt to write, to share and to listen to my own heart again. writing was never about telling people what happened, or who died, or who won the world cup. its about saying things that matter from ur heart, and in return, open up to thiers.

i appreciate 3 people that gave me a reason to feel joyful these past months. I'll start with my best buddy, Alairic Ruben. He gave me lots of ideas, tots, and a real insight to life. We've been frens for the past 5 years, and frankly, without his support, I'll not get all the revelations I currently have. He reminds me of what I need to be, from the ground up, to listen to my heart again. TO see things the way I used to see it. Not detesting progress or belittling facts, but learning to look from the ground up and see things from the solidity of its base, and learn to work my way up to the top.

Alex Mah, my current employer and MD of the place I work at. He's a little more, eccentric. The guy's never been to a club, never been to McD @ 4 in the morning. He's basically a simple guy, the most simple guy I've come to know. He takes business seriously. I learned that dispite the ideas and crazy ass stuff that I can come up with, until I learn to take the handle and do a proper cartwheel, it doesn't really matter what kind of bike, decorations or how we're selling the tickets. He gave me that purpose, to seek myself and learn to do things from the ground up.

Alex Phoon, the guy who never fails to dissapoint me. I learnt a very easy lesson from him, be true to yourself. Take it like a man, and let things fall down by itself. Eventually things just fall back into palce again. No need to take up so much until u reach a point u cant grab hold of anymore, and ultimately u lose at everything. step by step, easy and steady. that's how u win the game. it doesnt matter what ppl say, or how much they judge u. u learn to tkae things as they are, and learn to see things thru ur own eyes. Being in Kampar is bad, because I choose to believe it is bad. if i choose to see it as a blessing, and yes, i begin to feel its alright. I'mn learning alot these few years, from folk that I will never have a chance to meet if i took the second option.

So that's it from me. I cant wait till 2mr, but yet again, I'll probably not wake up in time for class again if I keep this up. exams start on the 30th, and its already the 11th. 19 days to go, a total of 40 chapters to burn. set my study gear in motion, and get myself off this darn deathbed before i really die by the age of 27.

Its taken over...

Yup. Its taken over. Now, its really here. I can feel it in my bones, my eyes. When I think,, when I smile. Its not the old me anymore. He's taken over. This antagonistic character inside me. He's been hiding in here. For so long. Finally, I gave him a reason to come out. Into the open. How foolish of me.

But he's only here, cuz I want him here. I was the one who created him. Now, let him protect me, let him make me see why my life needs rekindling.

Alas, the sun will always shine upon the land. But once the sun stops shining, and the earth starts to dry, the Rain God will appear, and ease the pain and suffering. Is he Rain God, or a demon in the making? I'll know soon enough, but will I have the courage to suppress him when the time comes?'

Facebook speed down solution!

Guys... I have to say a big thx to Dawa Law, an old fren of mine for coming up with an ingenious way to mend the slow facebook page problem. Its awesome! Try it out by going to his website here!

http://hehehunter.net/facebook/how-to-bypass-facebook-slowness-in-malaysia/

Monday Blues

So!

Its Sunday night, and for all the right reasons my last mid term paper was done. I have loads more to do, class in the morning at 8.00am, a meeting sch

eduled after that, 2 more assingments to complete, a marketing proposal to write and some money to make.

So it leave me with one question. WHy am I still feeling so down?

They say u cant start the week without feeling the Monday Blues. Dam straight. I'm feeling them now.

I so hate the blues...

GOnna make a video next week for a marketing campaign. Hope it'll b cool enuff to catch people's attention tho. =) maybe go for some video classes.

Oh and Alex's finally letting me learn the guitar. And its free. Hoho~ Who says working for Alex Mah doesn't pay off? It works in marvelous ways if you ask me. =)

So yes, I'll start emo posting again very soon. Not sure when, but soon. For now, I just want to close my eyes and lie back for a while.

Funny

Its been a full month now. Or so I think it has been. Nothing much has changed for me physically, but mentally I've grown stronger. How do I know? Bcuz I'm back to being the old me.

Old me, new me. I know deep down within myself that they both exist. Because of my insecurity, because of my hunger, my thirst for success. I remember back when I was young, everything was there when I wanted it. I knew nothing, I did nothing. All I ever had to do was study. Life was easy. At the age of 16, however, for the first time, I made a decision, to stand up for what I believed was my own 'path' to follow. Till today, I still wondered if I stood up for the right reasons, if it was even worth it. Everyday was a race to prove myself, to my family, my frens. Then one day, at a time of loneliness and sorrow... He appeared. He was strong, confident, and had the hunger and thirst for perfection. He offered me aid, and I reached out to him. From that moment on, I became stronger, better, faster, more eager, more focused. I saw things I've never seen before, did things I never knew I was capable of. Things became easier. But as time went by, I realised that he had a weakness. Everytime we did something together, he would always go too far. He was obsessive, a perfectionist. He was moody, aggresive, and unstable. But he was powerful. I needed him.

It was then that I realised it was all my imagination. But it was too late. I had 2 people in me right now. The new me - subtle, easy-going, humble and kind. And the old me - aggresive, prudent and strong. But as long as I shifted to the 'old' me, terrible things will happen to myself. Things that go beyond my control.

It took me years, but I managed to keep these 'characters' within me in check. My 'demon' and my 'human' nature. But the world will only get crueller, and the demon side has already bagun to swallow me whole. I hope, that for my own sake, things do not get out of hand.

I don't want my old self to take over again. But I need him. Right now....

Greed

Why greed. Why of all times does it have to happen right now. It's a mistake i know, but what more could I have asked for. I find a million reasons to cover it up, but find no way to get things right again. Guess I'm not trying hard enough. I grow weak at the sight of frens, forgetting my resolution. I must, I know I have to.

I will prevail.

Secret Recipe + Kong Ming Deng Night

First week of Kampar, so I tot about celebrating it over some nice Secret Recipe Delights~ =pp So I bring the blardy antisocial dude with less than 10 frens, I called 20%, which is a whole lot. And they came out. Lolzzz~~~

Kelly n GKM posing wif thier food

Eating... Munch munch... Dun take photo~!

Chocolate Indulgence

Black Pepper Lamb Pie

Choc Shake!

Green Tea Frap

The food was great, really. Havent had so much fun since KL. xDD I mean we had loads of cakes, my fav meatball spagethi ala~ AWESOME, and a slice of black pepper lamb pie~! SWEET!!! We talked about lots of stuff, and it was kewl. Really kewl, since they kept forcing me to jam all the cakes down to my last bite. =/ Afta tat we called CY out for some well-wishing.



To all the people, @home, @kl, @kampar, @heart.... All my deepest and most sincere well wishes of good luck and good fortune. Thnks for being pals when I was in need, or a jerk when I was bored, a lame ass that brightens up my day, my nemesis that taught me the will to fight on, 4 true frens who let me spend time wif them every night of my holidays playin L4D2 (love u guys!!), a true fren who was ther when I needed u and stole my heart, the lost love i'll never reclaim, my family whose ever noisy ever crazy yet ever i-cant-live-without-you-ppl, and everyone else who knew me hated me and most importantly became a part of my life.

Happy New Year 2011, Happy CNY.. and Happy Living~!!! Rock on!!

Worthlessness

Ever woke up in the middle of a dream? Then u find it hard to continue right back into it, no matter how hard you try. Every day of my life I've thought that I was good enuogh, that I have proven myself in many ways. I was wrong. I realised that once a man sees the mountain that rises high into the skies, he no longer believes that he is the king of hills. It makes you realise your place on earth, the worhtless position I'm in. Its not a bad thing... it doesnt make you feel emo or anything at all.

It gave me a realisation, to make a promise, to myself. A promise like no other.

I will prevail. I have a lot of catching up to do, but I will prevail, mark these words.

Again??

Once again.... I cant sleep. How la how.... >.< Maybe i shud try goin to bed, and later go dapao roti telur again. =ppp

Yeaaaa.... tat'll help. self-temptation shud really help. It better! arrgghh!

24hr marathon

Class just ended. For the first time, I actually had the gusto to not sleep, go for class, pull myself to the library to read the darn paper... and then head back.

I feel sooo left out becuz of my 'condition'. -.-'' watching other ppl makes u feel very much self-aware.

Oh btw, taking early morning strolls at the park (or around it) really makes a diffrence. Shud do it more often.

Gotta hit the sack now.


kthxbai.

Cant sleep~!

Back in Kampar, skul starts 2mr.. N I cant freakin sleep!!!! T.T helpz helpzzzzzz

Mayb i shud juz tire myself out and pengsan off. =p

Kittehhhh~~!!! #1

My Dear Solemn Silence

i cAn hAs SiLeNcEz... =)

Silence has been my fren... since the day I met defeat. The day I was dissapointed, I was left alone, shattered, hurt. Silence was there for me. She was the most gentle of places, for me to just fall back, and let her wrap her arms around me. She would embrace me in my darkest of moments, and this has grown on me, so much so that I have been the silent person I am right now.

But silence was selfish. She kept me all to herself. She would not allow me to prove myself, to move forward, to take risks. Because of her, I would always just surrender, just give up. Because I kept quiet, she always allowed someone else to take the limelight, instead of me. Becuz she's worried, because she doesn't want me to get hurt anymore.

Silence.. I'm sorry. 2011 is going to be a big year for me. I'm going to have to let you go from here on out. No.. I'll visit once in a while. I just have to let you go for the time being... actually.... for most of the time. Thanks for everything u've done for me. I won't forget you. SO from now onwards, I won't stay silent no more, k? =)

Political Joke

Chopping The Cherry Tree...

Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. George gives the tree a good swing and chops it down with an axe . His father sees the damaged tree and asks his son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the truth :-

'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell
a lie. I did cut it with my axe.'


This is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the question :-

PM Badawi -
I did not cut down the tree, I was just taking a nap underneath it.

Najib -
I swear that I have never MET that tree.

Hishamuddin-
... but I only own a keris, not axe, how to cut down the tree.

Dr.M -
Apa nama cherry tree, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.

Chua Soi Lek -
Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.

VK Lingam -
It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think it's me.

Anwar Ibrahim -
I DID NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA samples for you to plant on the axe handle.

Khir Toyo -
the new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.

Ahmad Said ( TerrenganuMB)-
I chopped it because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.

Azalina Othman -
The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I cut it down. Besides there were unauthorized signboards put up around the tree.

Shabery Cheek -
I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.

Samy Velu -
I chopped it because HINDRAF members were using it as a meeting point

Wira Ali Rustam -
We have planted Durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees, pear trees and all these other foreign trees.

Rais Yatim -
You must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are expensive to maintain, Ali Rustan said that are against our national identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see- it's a WIN-WIN situation all around.

Sharir Samad -
I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidize it.

Karpal Singh -
The bigfoot creature did it.

Bung Mokhtar -
The big monkey did it

Pandikar Amin Mulia -
There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees, Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.sit down.

Khairy Jamaluddin -
I did not do it, neither did the mat rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree ?

Lim Kit Siang -
In response to Khairy - cherry tree also you don't know, you are an insult to Oxford.

Nazri Aziz -
racist, racist, racist, when we cut down durian trees nobody
made a fuss.

Malaysian Citizens -
oh for heaven's sake! Somebody plant something before we all starve to death.

Hahaha~! Unless u understand this, IM NOT TALKIN TO YOU! Hahahaha

LOLz!!

Saw this while browsing the web today. xDDD

Unfortunate Logos...

U gotta love the innocence!!

Wooo~!! Happy NY 11''

Yippy~!! ITZa NeW YeArZ n a NeWz DaYz!!!!

A million wooos and waaaaas and everything else that goes with the package. =D Blogging still feels better than facebooking, thats why I've decided to start bloging again. I mean what was I thinking posting something on a freakin 'wall' and watch it fall lower.. and lower.. and lower until ur message just dissapears? =p=p

Its already 12 am, and yes, I'm back at Kampar, my most dreaded place on the whole freakin world.

So b4 I die of boredom, I'll just post some random song that Alex introed me, and then I'm off to bed. WIll get into the real bull-shit blogging 2mr. =)

Happy New Year Guys and Gals~!!!