2009. January this year I was still grieving over the hard times we had together enduring the battered ship known as Form 6 sailing barely over the ocean of survival and knowledge. One year ago to this date I was still cringing to thoughts of failure and resentment, doubting if I could ever be what I wanna be, lost in my own world, entwined in dashed spirits and anxious moments that cut me open and let me to bleed.
I was still a kid. I still am. 20 doesn't mean your all grown up. It doesn't give you the right to set things into motion, 'assuming' you know where to go. 20 isn't at all about telling the world you have a 'free pass' to do whatever, whenever. But 20's the age you know you're no longer that person you were yesterday. Its the time of your life you balance out all the risks, the consequences, the pain, the gain, and every damn thing in between. So no.... I'm no longer a kid. I'm above that. =)
April came and it was towards the end of that month (closely after my birthday), that I actually began to visualize what my life would look like, how I would walk the road of life to get to those destinations I had desired, and... In the process I became otherwise enlightened to one fact - that life is not one darn straight road. U have to know what to do at bends, crossroads, problems that go way overhead, turns that are so sudden and falls that are so steep that one wrong move could be entirely disastrous. Yet, I learned one more thing as well. It's that if we were to stop, then we either get knocked over, or taken over. You don't do that. At least not yet. Until u reach where you are or your tires burn out, that is. Cuz that's when u know u did all you can, and u will have no regrets.
Then came May. Emotions were blurring, anger was rising in me. I 'thought' I had known what to do. I 'thought' I had a good grip on my life. Then it all came crashing down. I argued. A lot. With frens. With family. With people I knew and cared for. Yet I still thought I was winning. Wining... lol... it was everything at that moment. The last laugh, the last blow. U had to have it. It was a trend. It made you look so f***ing good! Yet at the same time, it shatters you. It breaks you apart. U begin to realise that all that you have 'won' you lose in the end, because who cares? No one's gonna share those winnings with you.
And then there was that someone. She couldn't get out of my head, or least to say I could't let her go. It drained every part of my soul. I was lost, I was angry, and I was hungry for attention and a certain degree of respect. Then one day, I stopped. I gave up. I found out an even better way to make peace with the world. Be emo about it. About everything. About life. About thoughts. About dreams. I screwed it all, threw my hads up in the air and said to myself 'Let it happen, I don't care'.
And still I couldn't find a reason to move forward. Form 6 played it part really well here. It taught me a lot. It thought me about who I am. What I was capable of. And the truth is, I actually liked being with Daniel and his funky-freshness, Aliaric and his insanity, Chee Kar with all this put aside was still my best partner when things went wrong, Chern Chiang and Robson, two really interesting peeople that came into my life and changed, even if you didn;t know it, a big part of what I thought I could be; Mok and Hannah, who gave me a purpose to fight and stand my ground in competition, and all the other characters I had chosen to write in that silly little story. Fact is, I never really knew it till now, that you guys and girls made my 1 1/2 years in MBS that much worth the while.
Then of course there are the other people who changed my view point of the world. Little miss Meiling, who's happily dancing to her piano right now. She taught me, again I don't think she knows it (har d har har), the meaning to chase what's yours, and to not let go. The RO gang - Kwok who taught me there are wort things to cry about and share about and laugh and talk and cry summore about than being emo all the blardy time, Iko and Reen who shed some light in letting me know we will never be alone, no matter our differences, and if you like something, just go ahead and do it. Then theres Leader, Truth, the guy who can't stop complaining. Lol. Noe wht? Even he taught me - that you shoud never be too careful out there, that there are people out to get you. That you don;t have to care about how people judge you (or your e-calls xD) and just be yourself.
And of course Miss Jian whos sihat sejahtera in Australia. ^^ She's been a trully awesome fren, one that can light up your day with a seemingly harmless joke or sarcastic remark.
There is just so many more people that had been giving me little pointers here and there. Mom and dad's the biggest players. They've been there, every time I needed something. It was dadwho told me to not worry a darn thing, and go ahead to Kampar, to go after my dreams. Mom, who after so many years of yaking and scolding, still managed to smolder me with the love and affection, even shield me from things I never knew I had gotten myself into, which is the beauty of it because she never wanted me to know them.
April 30th. The day I left. On my own. Still I was a pain in the neck, but leaving KL behind, I was, truthfully, dumbfounded and scared half to death. Lol. I typically remember the ticketing officer who gave me those stares, its like he's telling me 'U're too weak to survive'. Yeah.. I was. I was freaking myself out at every darn moment. Yet something else was inside me. Something different. All my lfe I wanted to away from that old me. To run far far away and never come back. Guess what? Now I was about to leave for a few months and I'm shaking like a prune tree.
It only serves to tell myself, that for all the good there is in the world, I had no darn clue what I was doing. Yeah.. I knew I was going to study. Economics. I knew I was going to get new frens. Meet new people. But it was more than that. Much much more than that. I was going to find myself. My own 'me'. Not the one that was stereotyped by my parents, or the one I dreamt wildly about. It was going on the journey of my life, I just havent realised it yet.
May. The month of budding roses. Indeed. Came across white roses the first time I set foot there at Kampar. It was just me, my bags, and Kye Hoong, the to-be-roommate and good fren. I remember walking past the edge of lake and staring out into the scenery and saying to him. 'Eh Kye Hoong, you know what? One day.... I'm going to have a house, and it's gona be at least the size of the ones over there.' Kye Hoong replied, 'Nah... it's too small. I'll have the houses circling the lake instead.' We laughed. And tat was what started it all. My first real partner, and the same guy I chatted with since the first day at UTAR, Perak Campus.
It was also during this very month that I began to realise how noobish I was. Compared to everyone else around me, I was either too skinny, too young, too tall, too bleak, too weak, too slow, or just plain ordinary. But things like this change. Yes, they do now, but not yet back then. First class, cycled to skul on a really hot day. I still remember that day, the class, but not the people though. I remember rushing in and the first person I said hi to was the same person that was going to change my life forever. His name, was Tay Yee Hong, and he was the same person who brought what was to be known as FE-TG1 to an entirely whole new level.
UTAR was otherwise different from the usual life I had back in KL. Being alone in a location in the middle of nowhere is somewhat, untantalizing. There was no theater, no shopping mall, and no Starbucks coffees. And here, you're on your own. Surprisingly, Adapting was not a problem. I've done it a 100 times before. It's keeping things fresh and alive after that that makes it so darn difficult. To tell you the truth, I knew the entire 24 of my new classmates, the infamous FETG1, the entire housemates I live with, other than Kye Hoong, and the numbers keep on rising. Yet, the fact is. I'm all alone. I'm not even myself. I had one and only one purpose there, and that was to escape. From who I am. To see what I could be with my old self left behind. And sadly, I became the same thing again. Dry, emotional.
Things got a tad better come June. I met my first true fren there, Cheng You. He's not much of what you call a strong character, but he was otherwise independent, and he dared to go where no others dared to venture to. Tis newfound frenship lightened my load a little. I was slightly more relieved, cuz at least I had someone who understood what I was going thru. Next was Siew Li and Winnie, who listened to what I actually had to say. Things got even better, when Young came in. Now, I'm not pushing on because I feel emotional or anything but I just want them to know, if ever they are reading this, the amount of indirect advice they have given me. Then, there's Jake. Interestingly enough, we are two worlds apart. He was jovial. I was the emo bastard. He had ex-galfrens. I had a sad past. He was a joker. I was a loser.
Then, miracles happened. I felt... wanted. I felt, for the first time in my life, that I could actually do, what I had always wanted to do. I starting to let things come as they are, and smiled more than ever. I was acing papers. I was cracking jokes. I was waking up in the mornings asking 'Whats for today'. Life has been wonderful. I am actually getting interested in what's instore for me.
August came, and things went insanely well. Frenships were more than ever close. I was the class photographer already. I was making a film for the class already. I found peace at last. But there were still ghosts haunting me, and I am yet to get them out of my head.
The semester switch changed everything. By then, I had not yet realized it, but I had changed. Little by little, the words are still the same, the mistakes and clumsiness's still there, but my view point, my attitude and my principals, have all been shaken. Because, I met the most interesting little darling in Kampar, Perak. Interestingly, we met at the mamak stall when frens brought thier frens over for a chatting session. Even more interesting, we talked, because we were the only two people at the table who found it hard talking in the first place. She was interesting, and down right attractive. Plus, she has a heart of gold. There is so much more I want to know, to give, to love; and by God's will I dare hope I will be able to. More than anything, she's been a beacon of hope for me. For the first time in the past 2 decades, I was fighting habits to set myself straight. I was making an initiative to became more than I am. I was making promises and keeping them. I was... finally... given someone to love, to care and to protect. And I swear by all things I will.
So came December, and the holidays. Homesickness has long past me. I was stuffed with dreams and hopes ad I know where I'm going. (Dad's going phew...) And now its Christmas. The day to be thankful and of sharing. I'm not a Christian, but I do believe in the goodwill that this holiday brings, and the good intentions it bears.
So let me just say this. 2009's been a rather strange, yet forgiving year. It's the year that I was blessed with the gift of self-realisation, frens and better ties with my family. It's the year I was given the chance to prove myself and all that I'm worth, and to never doubt myself ever again. It's the year I was brought to know the meaning of love, and to learn the meaning of having responsibility. So for all the good in this world, and to all the people who have cared, and that have started to care; loved and started to love.
A Merry Christmas.
And a Happy New 2010.
Love you people.
The next year's going to be more than ever, important, for me, for my family and frens, and for Yi Theng and I. So here on out I have to learn what I can, beat the odds and become the person I have dreamt to be. That, is my new year resolution. Lol.
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