Looking for something to sooth the soul has never been more discreet. I went out with Robson, Chern Chiang, Pui Mun and Mok for Hannah's birthday at The Curve today. We had a rather.. 'meh' time at Song Box, which was seriously bad. The room was icky, the music selection was terrible. After that we headed to Laundry Bar to cut the cake. It was awesome to finally have good bonding them with the form 6 gang again. In the process, I might have kinda, sorta spent too much time getting drunk on Cosmopolitans and not texting my angel enuff... so... XDDDD dun angry ya?
Toodles.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
=)
Hey you. Yes you, reading this. Did you know... it started again? My heart, my soul, my everything. An angel came by on 1st July, 2012, and took it all away. For that brief moment, time stopped. For that small frame of time, life didn't matter anymore.
I met her 3 years ago, the same room I met the rest of my classmates in UTAR Kampar. She doesn't notice me, but I did. She sat next to this tall long haired girl. She wore spectacles, had wavy hair that cascaded down her shoulders. She was shy, and kept to herself most of the time. I never gave her much attention on that day. She was, well.... ordinary. Like the rest of us, like me. Then our teacher walked in, Mr. Ngerng. Oh how I laughed at the sight of that plump figure of a man, with his armpit sweat and dis concern for punctuality. But tat was when I saw it. That little glimpse from the side of my face. She smiled, to welcome everyone in class. That smile, was pure, yet sad. Her features were not what I would have thought to be, you know, perfect. But I was young, fresh out of high school. My idea for a future wife was well - unrealistic. Perfect 10 figure, perfect 10 dimensions.
Somewhere along the line, I met her again. She sat by herself at one of the stops in school. I sat beside her, and we introduced ourselves. A year later, we became the best of friends. We found many similarities between each other. I could laugh, cry, and sing, and every time, she would reply me with a simple smile. We've been through a lot together - me cheering her up on the bus home, me going to Pangkor Island with her. She would share her stories with me, and mine with her. But things changed. Somewhere along the line, she gave me a message. She told me that I was foolish not to notice it, but she has always had feelings for me. I flinched. It was like a knife was plunged through me, and with good reason.
You see... I am not a simple man. I have desires beyond belief, a hunger for complexity, an unending strive for power. Anyone who stood in my way, was either destroyed or left me. I was always alone. I never could trust, I never will. But I found a couple of good friends along the way, and they were those who would set me straight. She was, indeed, one of those friends.
But with a message like that, I am on the verge of losing everything. How she would feel knowing that I can never take that offer up, yet how much inside me telling myself I want to. And that was the biggest mistake I made. I thought, that for as long as I can hold out, we could still be friends, that nothing will change between us. But I was wrong. Day by day, she never gave up on me. She held on, strong, taking every step as I did. Everytime I fell, she was there to hold me up. Every mistake I made, she was there to cheer me up.
It was right there and then, that I knew, she was never going to leave me, and will be there during my loneiest of hours - caring for me, looking out for me.
I changed myself. A lot these past years. For all I could remember, I have never offered a sincere step back without a fight, or run from a challenge. Her smile, gave me the courage to lose. Her warmth, gave me the strength to take a step back, and see the world as it should be - cool, calm, and collected.
And here I stand, today, her hand in mine. I made a promise to myself that day. That I have waited, far too long, risked, so so sooo much, to think that this girl, who waited for me, should just leave me, this tattered soul and search for another who will treat her better. When in truth, she was waiting for me instead. I do this, not out of guilt. I do this, not out of sympathy, or at a moment's whim.
I do this, because I trully believe, that even if the world would to close on me now - she will still be there, with her smile, giving me the strength to push on, to go forth, and claim my prize. I do this, knowing that in truth, I need her, so much more than she needs me.
So I thank the heavens, for letting me make it in time, to win her heart before another will.
To my angel, where ever you are, this is my vow. Because of you, I care not of looks or figure or beauty or pleasure. Because of you, I know no pain, no sorrow, no fear and no hunger. Because of you, I learn that you need to be weak to be stronger, be appear shallow but be deep. Because of you, I know that there will no longer be sleepless nights, or broken hearts. Because of you - I am who I am. Sleep sound tonight, for tomorrow and the days to come, I am yours, and yours alone, for as long as you heart has its place for me.
I met her 3 years ago, the same room I met the rest of my classmates in UTAR Kampar. She doesn't notice me, but I did. She sat next to this tall long haired girl. She wore spectacles, had wavy hair that cascaded down her shoulders. She was shy, and kept to herself most of the time. I never gave her much attention on that day. She was, well.... ordinary. Like the rest of us, like me. Then our teacher walked in, Mr. Ngerng. Oh how I laughed at the sight of that plump figure of a man, with his armpit sweat and dis concern for punctuality. But tat was when I saw it. That little glimpse from the side of my face. She smiled, to welcome everyone in class. That smile, was pure, yet sad. Her features were not what I would have thought to be, you know, perfect. But I was young, fresh out of high school. My idea for a future wife was well - unrealistic. Perfect 10 figure, perfect 10 dimensions.
Somewhere along the line, I met her again. She sat by herself at one of the stops in school. I sat beside her, and we introduced ourselves. A year later, we became the best of friends. We found many similarities between each other. I could laugh, cry, and sing, and every time, she would reply me with a simple smile. We've been through a lot together - me cheering her up on the bus home, me going to Pangkor Island with her. She would share her stories with me, and mine with her. But things changed. Somewhere along the line, she gave me a message. She told me that I was foolish not to notice it, but she has always had feelings for me. I flinched. It was like a knife was plunged through me, and with good reason.
You see... I am not a simple man. I have desires beyond belief, a hunger for complexity, an unending strive for power. Anyone who stood in my way, was either destroyed or left me. I was always alone. I never could trust, I never will. But I found a couple of good friends along the way, and they were those who would set me straight. She was, indeed, one of those friends.
But with a message like that, I am on the verge of losing everything. How she would feel knowing that I can never take that offer up, yet how much inside me telling myself I want to. And that was the biggest mistake I made. I thought, that for as long as I can hold out, we could still be friends, that nothing will change between us. But I was wrong. Day by day, she never gave up on me. She held on, strong, taking every step as I did. Everytime I fell, she was there to hold me up. Every mistake I made, she was there to cheer me up.
It was right there and then, that I knew, she was never going to leave me, and will be there during my loneiest of hours - caring for me, looking out for me.
I changed myself. A lot these past years. For all I could remember, I have never offered a sincere step back without a fight, or run from a challenge. Her smile, gave me the courage to lose. Her warmth, gave me the strength to take a step back, and see the world as it should be - cool, calm, and collected.
And here I stand, today, her hand in mine. I made a promise to myself that day. That I have waited, far too long, risked, so so sooo much, to think that this girl, who waited for me, should just leave me, this tattered soul and search for another who will treat her better. When in truth, she was waiting for me instead. I do this, not out of guilt. I do this, not out of sympathy, or at a moment's whim.
I do this, because I trully believe, that even if the world would to close on me now - she will still be there, with her smile, giving me the strength to push on, to go forth, and claim my prize. I do this, knowing that in truth, I need her, so much more than she needs me.
So I thank the heavens, for letting me make it in time, to win her heart before another will.
To my angel, where ever you are, this is my vow. Because of you, I care not of looks or figure or beauty or pleasure. Because of you, I know no pain, no sorrow, no fear and no hunger. Because of you, I learn that you need to be weak to be stronger, be appear shallow but be deep. Because of you, I know that there will no longer be sleepless nights, or broken hearts. Because of you - I am who I am. Sleep sound tonight, for tomorrow and the days to come, I am yours, and yours alone, for as long as you heart has its place for me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
You know what... She was alive
U know wat? I had a dream last night. In this dream, she was alive. she was given a second chance. She was walking with me, talking to me. In the dream, I promised to make sure she never went away again. Then I woke up. And all I could feel, was empty inside.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
i'm not perfect
i was wondering when the feeling would come back. this urge to write, to blog, to express myself. i realised a thing or two today, and one of it, was that i turned from writing to express, to writing to impress. i'll stick to the former from this day forth, because who am i kidding? i can write to court and woo if i put my heart to it, but these words arent't going to put food on my table. not yet. =)
so i took some time these few days, collecting my tots, giving myself a vacation, if u will. and i come to realize, there's just so much mistakes in my life. i'm 22 this year. its like, a flash since i started writing this blog back in form 6. but i wont start reflecting on my past like i use to. not today. today, i wanna talk about my mistakes. =)
i spent so much time gazing the stars, i never took the time to look at the moon, even when she was juz rite thtr in front of me. i spent so many night thinkin about the past, that i never took the courage to take a step into the future. i made a promise to myself, and this time, i made it. but how many more times will things b this smooth? am i prepared for failure? i'm not perfect.
i cant say how well i've done this semester. i made a pact with myself, my true self. i inisisted that there were two me(s), one evil, and one good. i insisted that the evil me had taken over. i was wrong. there was always me, and just me. i juz had to take it out on somebody, that's all. i forgot to do the most basic thing of all basic things before i started out my life - to be true to my heart. now i found my way back. =)
spending hours and hours a day feeling sorry for myself because i couldn't do what i TOT i had to do, won't make things any better. for starters, my fren died this year. there was pain, there was sorrow, but there were no tears in my eyes. none at all. because i finally realised the truth. i wasn't sad that he left. i was sda he didn't say goodbye. i wasn't prepared at all. knowing this, i know i cant change what's happened. i cant expect myself to do more than what i can do. but i noe, i'll always keep him here, in my heart, and live my life for a greater good, in his memory. that's what i shud hav done a long time ago.
my grandma's disease hit me hard as well. but i have to be frank. i have to learn to accpet the truth. people grow old, they come to a time where, well... they have to let go. i have to let go too. its hard to say i admit so, but yes, i admit so. i dun feel one bit darn good about it at all. yet, accepting the facts make me feel better, at least allowing me to see things more clearly than I've ever been able to in a long time. so yes... i cnat do anything about this, not for her, not for anybody's sake. but i can promise myself that i will not let the same thing happen to MY mother, if at all, something comes up. I swear it.
i sit in my bed all day, looking at the laptop screen, and yet i blame myself for not knowing whats goin on out there. i delay myself to take 2 steps to refill my container for a drink of water, yet i tell the world that i cant b stronger. its a matter of the mind, i know. emotions, feelings, sentiments... its all a decoy to what really matters, whats really important - the heart. if i cant learn to see things at its core, i cant move forward. forget goin to London, and makin big bucks, and all the future plans i hav for myself. i cant even understand what's goin on in my own head. till i figure that out, i'm gonna hav to just get my lazy bum off the softness and warmth of the comforter, and into my thinkin chair.
i am a non-believer of extremities - yet i'm gettin the idea that i'm living like one. i say i dun accept the turth as it is, that there will always be other possibilities, yet i cant take failure, only sucess. contradictory, isnt it?
so all the mushy stuff aside, i need to remind myself of how good it felt to write, to share and to listen to my own heart again. writing was never about telling people what happened, or who died, or who won the world cup. its about saying things that matter from ur heart, and in return, open up to thiers.
i appreciate 3 people that gave me a reason to feel joyful these past months. I'll start with my best buddy, Alairic Ruben. He gave me lots of ideas, tots, and a real insight to life. We've been frens for the past 5 years, and frankly, without his support, I'll not get all the revelations I currently have. He reminds me of what I need to be, from the ground up, to listen to my heart again. TO see things the way I used to see it. Not detesting progress or belittling facts, but learning to look from the ground up and see things from the solidity of its base, and learn to work my way up to the top.
Alex Mah, my current employer and MD of the place I work at. He's a little more, eccentric. The guy's never been to a club, never been to McD @ 4 in the morning. He's basically a simple guy, the most simple guy I've come to know. He takes business seriously. I learned that dispite the ideas and crazy ass stuff that I can come up with, until I learn to take the handle and do a proper cartwheel, it doesn't really matter what kind of bike, decorations or how we're selling the tickets. He gave me that purpose, to seek myself and learn to do things from the ground up.
Alex Phoon, the guy who never fails to dissapoint me. I learnt a very easy lesson from him, be true to yourself. Take it like a man, and let things fall down by itself. Eventually things just fall back into palce again. No need to take up so much until u reach a point u cant grab hold of anymore, and ultimately u lose at everything. step by step, easy and steady. that's how u win the game. it doesnt matter what ppl say, or how much they judge u. u learn to tkae things as they are, and learn to see things thru ur own eyes. Being in Kampar is bad, because I choose to believe it is bad. if i choose to see it as a blessing, and yes, i begin to feel its alright. I'mn learning alot these few years, from folk that I will never have a chance to meet if i took the second option.
So that's it from me. I cant wait till 2mr, but yet again, I'll probably not wake up in time for class again if I keep this up. exams start on the 30th, and its already the 11th. 19 days to go, a total of 40 chapters to burn. set my study gear in motion, and get myself off this darn deathbed before i really die by the age of 27.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Its taken over...
Yup. Its taken over. Now, its really here. I can feel it in my bones, my eyes. When I think,, when I smile. Its not the old me anymore. He's taken over. This antagonistic character inside me. He's been hiding in here. For so long. Finally, I gave him a reason to come out. Into the open. How foolish of me.
But he's only here, cuz I want him here. I was the one who created him. Now, let him protect me, let him make me see why my life needs rekindling.
Alas, the sun will always shine upon the land. But once the sun stops shining, and the earth starts to dry, the Rain God will appear, and ease the pain and suffering. Is he Rain God, or a demon in the making? I'll know soon enough, but will I have the courage to suppress him when the time comes?'
Monday, March 14, 2011
Facebook speed down solution!
Guys... I have to say a big thx to Dawa Law, an old fren of mine for coming up with an ingenious way to mend the slow facebook page problem. Its awesome! Try it out by going to his website here!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday Blues
Its Sunday night, and for all the right reasons my last mid term paper was done. I have loads more to do, class in the morning at 8.00am, a meeting sch
eduled after that, 2 more assingments to complete, a marketing proposal to write and some money to make.
So it leave me with one question. WHy am I still feeling so down?
They say u cant start the week without feeling the Monday Blues. Dam straight. I'm feeling them now.
I so hate the blues...
GOnna make a video next week for a marketing campaign. Hope it'll b cool enuff to catch people's attention tho. =) maybe go for some video classes.
Oh and Alex's finally letting me learn the guitar. And its free. Hoho~ Who says working for Alex Mah doesn't pay off? It works in marvelous ways if you ask me. =)
So yes, I'll start emo posting again very soon. Not sure when, but soon. For now, I just want to close my eyes and lie back for a while.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Funny
Its been a full month now. Or so I think it has been. Nothing much has changed for me physically, but mentally I've grown stronger. How do I know? Bcuz I'm back to being the old me.
Old me, new me. I know deep down within myself that they both exist. Because of my insecurity, because of my hunger, my thirst for success. I remember back when I was young, everything was there when I wanted it. I knew nothing, I did nothing. All I ever had to do was study. Life was easy. At the age of 16, however, for the first time, I made a decision, to stand up for what I believed was my own 'path' to follow. Till today, I still wondered if I stood up for the right reasons, if it was even worth it. Everyday was a race to prove myself, to my family, my frens. Then one day, at a time of loneliness and sorrow... He appeared. He was strong, confident, and had the hunger and thirst for perfection. He offered me aid, and I reached out to him. From that moment on, I became stronger, better, faster, more eager, more focused. I saw things I've never seen before, did things I never knew I was capable of. Things became easier. But as time went by, I realised that he had a weakness. Everytime we did something together, he would always go too far. He was obsessive, a perfectionist. He was moody, aggresive, and unstable. But he was powerful. I needed him.
It was then that I realised it was all my imagination. But it was too late. I had 2 people in me right now. The new me - subtle, easy-going, humble and kind. And the old me - aggresive, prudent and strong. But as long as I shifted to the 'old' me, terrible things will happen to myself. Things that go beyond my control.
It took me years, but I managed to keep these 'characters' within me in check. My 'demon' and my 'human' nature. But the world will only get crueller, and the demon side has already bagun to swallow me whole. I hope, that for my own sake, things do not get out of hand.
I don't want my old self to take over again. But I need him. Right now....
Monday, January 24, 2011
Greed
Why greed. Why of all times does it have to happen right now. It's a mistake i know, but what more could I have asked for. I find a million reasons to cover it up, but find no way to get things right again. Guess I'm not trying hard enough. I grow weak at the sight of frens, forgetting my resolution. I must, I know I have to.
I will prevail.
I will prevail.
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