Graduation?

So it's with mixed emotions that I write this here,
A message I write so sincere,
For I'm accomplished now, so to say
That now's the time to seize the day.

My parents are overjoyed,
Cause their son's the one,
Oh how they cried,
To see that I'm riding towards the sun.

A useless achievement is what I call it,
This so-called scroll with words written on it,
But the deeper meaning is all so true,
That it means nothing without you.

Three years of toil and harship and pain,
But in the end its all in vain,
Because all said and done, I know it well,
That I failed you, and no one can tell.

This degree to me is nothing but void,
This so called academic-win's a fraud,
They can call me a winner, a pedigree,
But fuck this, Cuz ur not here with me.

Imma work my way up,
Til I reach tat income bracket,
Cuz I mean what I say,
And for u Imma grab it.

Ten years from now,
U keep tat eye on me.
Cause from heaven above,
Imma burn this shyte to the ground.

You'll see.

'Fone, It's been 7 months. Miss ur voice, ur smile, ur antics. I know I'll never heard or see or get a text from you again, but hey... I still hang on tight to those memories. This degree? It's nothing. After this it's my Masters, my MBA, my CFA, my Phd. And most importantly. My first 5 figure paycheck. Wait for me. I'm gonna get you that helicopter I promised you, and fly towards the skies to get closer to you. Keep ur eyes fied on me. U got that? I'll be seing you soon. Love you.'

-For my sister, Belle. Happy 7th Month of ur Departure. Miss you.-

When words are free

Words are the root to all that we feel.  Its all driven by words. What we say effects that we do, and the repercussions that follow are made, by words. "I'm sorry, Thank you, I Love You,'... Words can make or break, heal or hurt, make or destroy anything in our lives - relationships, friendships, friends, enemies, sucess and failure. What to say at the right moment to the right people determine every outcome.

But then, there is always the safer option - When words are empty. Saying nothing. Silence is golden, yes... But sometimes when we say nothing, we achieve nothing. Because most of the time, we just sit back and let things happen, without voicing out, without uttering a word - things become out of control.

I would say those words again, and again, and again. But it won't change anything now. So right here, right now - I'll say them all.. Before its too late, when my words are still free, and they cost nothing to get them back.

Don't stop being a nice guy

'I can't change the past..' he stopped short to catch his breath, perspiration dripping down his face. '...But I sure as hell can try to change our future...' He closed his eyes, and placed his feet forward towards the edge of the cliff. Below, the jagged rocks and sharp edges paved way to a dark blue ocean that glimmered under the evening sunset.

He turned around and faced her one last time. And smiled. 'I love you.' He plunged.

-Fraction of a dream dated 10/10/2012 in memory of Belle Ju Fone, my loving sister...-
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There were times when dreams turn to reality. Other times reality seem to me like a dream. A day turns to months, moths to years, and years turn to an eternity. Everytime I open my eyes, I lose my purpose. For every 3 steps I move front, I am dragged 2 steps back. How I learned to embrace death and live on, I will never know. But the vicious cycle remains. First comes the encounter with Death, then comes the Getting over of it. Then comes the hardest part - Living on.

You can't just walk away from something, or someone, and expect things to remain the same. That is why I ascertain myself harder than ever. But this is a rough time. The real world just came into being, people have started to get more and more hypocritic, and I have to wake up every morning telling myself that things will be alright.

It's tiring. Very very tiring. Everyone around me wants what's best for them. It's always going to be a blame on you. They blame you for living better than them. They blame you for lack of achievements, they blame you for being in between. There is just no way to escape this crazy nonsense. But when it comes to me and my welfare, it doesn't matter anymore, because I have to 'learn to do things myself'.

Such is life. Its safe to be the nice guy all the time. But when they start taking advantage of you, you feel offended. You feel like fighting back.

I have had enough experience to tell you - you don't fight back. Because that's not who you are. You are what you set yourself to be in the first place. You are that nice guy. Remember, that even as the world changes, you don;t let it change you, unless you want it to, unless you think its right. But the world is so fucked up right now, you of all people know that you need to be nice. Who else is gonna do it but you?

You don't walk away from them either. Walking away is no different from running away from a problem. You are not boneless. You have guts, you do what's right.

Neither do you remain silent. That is where most nice guys fail - they stay quiet for too long, until someone else take their place, and claim their just rewards.

Understand this - being a nice person is, right now, the most challenging character in the world. Embrace that fact, and be proud. It is super easy to fall to evil and be cruel and say nasty things all the time. It's easier to take a step back and keep still. But that is not how we nice people should operate. What we should be aware of as of now - is that we are the only few living nice people out there. Don't let us die out - because of a fight, a small bump, a betrayal or some bad mistake. Embrace the fact that we are not perfect, learn from it, and be even NICER to people.

Being nice also does not mean being sympathetic. Being nice means providing assistance as a kind gesture. You don;t follow a person all the way home and solve all thier problems. That's you being disrespectful. People all have the ability to solve onhand problems. Don't feed thier laziness. Let them learn to grow.

So be proud, be nice, and be caring to others. Regardless of what they keep saying about nice guys finishing last, that girls don't dig nice guys. Its all a lie - because nice people are the ones who uphold the balance of society. Call yourself peacekeepers. We are there for a reason, and that reason is to see to it that people in need and have difficulties are met with a warm smile and a kind gesture when they need it the most.

The next time you do a good deed, and feel like you are not appreciated because of it - take a step back, and understand that what you did there was not something a mere commoner can understand. But we do. So give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.

I lost my sister months ago. I have every right to be in a tantrum, to see the world as an evil entity and curse every living soul that I come into contact with. But hey, I'm a nice guy.

See you around. Be proud to be nice.

-Today, I just want to relax, take my time and enjoy the view of life. Yet at the same time I will not stop fighting until I reach the peak of the mountain. Wait for me, I am coming, meet you at the top.-

The Heart

The heart is a really funny organ. It does all the work - pumping blood, keeping us alive. But it never gets the credit. It is small, yet it has to learn to man up and be the strongest. Not because it knows it is, but because it know it has to. Because if it dies, all the rest around it will stop functioning as well. Because it knows, that if it were to fail, even once, that was it, it was the end.

So what am I? A heart. The one that pumps laughter and pain and memories into the bodies and minds of the people around me. Those who don't need it I can forgo, because then it does not concern them. But those I hold dear, I know I have to keep pumping, even if it means I will be torn to shreds, even if I know I have to push beyond my limits. I cannot fail not now, not ever.

I will never be happy, until those around me are happy.

My sister is what undid me. Her passing destroyed a part of me. I was the heart, but I let her fail. I was the heart, but I didn't do enough. Maybe if I pumped enough blood, maybe if I pumped harder, pumped faster. She will still be here, and the human body which we are all apart of as a family, can be whole again.

I am a heart. But a weak one.

Frustrated

See, its a bit frustrating at times. When we do bad things to others, others feel offended. But some people get away with it, because they do bad things, at a more discreet level, at a level where others dun seem to mind, or just don't have the capacity in them to mind. I recently felt a little balled when a friend added another friend into a facebook group, for the sake of just one gathering. Now, it makes perfect sense to add someone into a very tight group since it belongs to all of us, but wth do we do with the person after the interview? Madafaker we added you because we felt comfortable with you. This is not a group where you just add people for events or some other shyte, if u wanna do tat go make ur own motherfucking event. It leaves a poor loophole in the dynamics of the group right now, I cant even post things like I use to. ==''

Open up your heart

Looking for something to sooth the soul has never been more discreet. I went out with Robson, Chern Chiang, Pui Mun and Mok for Hannah's birthday at The Curve today. We had a rather.. 'meh' time at Song Box, which was seriously bad. The room was icky, the music selection was terrible. After that we headed to Laundry Bar to cut the cake. It was awesome to finally have good bonding them with the form 6 gang again. In the process, I might have kinda, sorta spent too much time getting drunk on Cosmopolitans and not texting my angel enuff... so... XDDDD dun angry ya?

Toodles.

=)

Hey you. Yes you, reading this. Did you know... it started again? My heart, my soul, my everything. An angel came by on 1st July, 2012, and took it all away. For that brief moment, time stopped. For that small frame of time, life didn't matter anymore.

I met her 3 years ago, the same room I met the rest of my classmates in UTAR Kampar. She doesn't notice me, but I did. She sat next to this tall long haired girl. She wore spectacles, had wavy hair that cascaded down her shoulders. She was shy, and kept to herself most of the time. I never gave her much attention on that day. She was, well.... ordinary. Like the rest of us, like me. Then our teacher walked in, Mr. Ngerng. Oh how I laughed at the sight of that plump figure of a man, with his armpit sweat and dis concern for punctuality. But tat was when I saw it. That little glimpse from the side of my face. She smiled, to welcome everyone in class. That smile, was pure, yet sad. Her features were not what I would have thought to be, you know, perfect. But I was young, fresh out of high school. My idea for a future wife was well - unrealistic. Perfect 10 figure, perfect 10 dimensions.

Somewhere along the line, I met her again. She sat by herself at one of the stops in school. I sat beside her, and we introduced ourselves. A year later, we became the best of friends. We found many similarities between each other. I could laugh, cry, and sing, and every time, she would reply me with a simple smile. We've been through a lot together - me cheering her up on the bus home, me going to Pangkor Island with her. She would share her stories with me, and mine with her. But things changed. Somewhere along the line, she gave me a message. She told me that I was foolish not to notice it, but she has always had feelings for me. I flinched. It was like a knife was plunged through me, and with good reason.

You see... I am not a simple man. I have desires beyond belief, a hunger for complexity, an unending strive for power. Anyone who stood in my way, was either destroyed or left me. I was always alone. I never could trust, I never will. But I found a couple of good friends along the way, and they were those who would set me straight. She was, indeed, one of those friends.

But with a message like that, I am on the verge of losing everything. How she would feel knowing that I can never take that offer up, yet how much inside me telling myself I want to. And that was the biggest mistake I made. I thought, that for as long as I can hold out, we could still be friends, that nothing will change between us. But I was wrong. Day by day, she never gave up on me. She held on, strong, taking every step as I did. Everytime I fell, she was there to hold me up. Every mistake I made, she was there to cheer me up.

It was right there and then, that I knew, she was never going to leave me, and will be there during my loneiest of hours - caring for me, looking out for me.

I changed myself. A lot these past years. For all I could remember, I have never offered a sincere step back without a fight, or run from a challenge. Her smile, gave me the courage to lose. Her warmth, gave me the strength to take a step back, and see the world as it should be - cool, calm, and collected.

And here I stand, today, her hand in mine. I made a promise to myself that day. That I have waited, far too long, risked, so so sooo much, to think that this girl, who waited for me, should just leave me, this tattered soul and search for another who will treat her better. When in truth, she was waiting for me instead. I do this, not out of guilt. I do this, not out of sympathy, or at a moment's whim.

I do this, because I trully believe, that even if the world would to close on me now - she will still be there, with her smile, giving me the strength to push on, to go forth, and claim my prize. I do this, knowing that in truth, I need her, so much more than she needs me.

So I thank the heavens, for letting me make it in time, to win her heart before another will.

To my angel, where ever you are, this is my vow. Because of you, I care not of looks or figure or beauty or pleasure. Because of you, I know no pain, no sorrow, no fear and no hunger. Because of you, I learn that you need to be weak to be stronger, be appear shallow but be deep. Because of you, I know that there will no longer be sleepless nights, or broken hearts. Because of you - I am who I am. Sleep sound tonight, for tomorrow and the days to come, I am yours, and yours alone, for as long as you heart has its place for me.

You know what... She was alive

U know wat? I had a dream last night. In this dream, she was alive. she was given a second chance. She was walking with me, talking to me. In the dream, I promised to make sure she never went away again. Then I woke up. And all I could feel, was empty inside.

Peace

Finally, theres a sense of accomplishment again. Wee~~!!! End post. haha

i'm not perfect

i was wondering when the feeling would come back. this urge to write, to blog, to express myself. i realised a thing or two today, and one of it, was that i turned from writing to express, to writing to impress. i'll stick to the former from this day forth, because who am i kidding? i can write to court and woo if i put my heart to it, but these words arent't going to put food on my table. not yet. =)

so i took some time these few days, collecting my tots, giving myself a vacation, if u will. and i come to realize, there's just so much mistakes in my life. i'm 22 this year. its like, a flash since i started writing this blog back in form 6. but i wont start reflecting on my past like i use to. not today. today, i wanna talk about my mistakes. =)

i spent so much time gazing the stars, i never took the time to look at the moon, even when she was juz rite thtr in front of me. i spent so many night thinkin about the past, that i never took the courage to take a step into the future. i made a promise to myself, and this time, i made it. but how many more times will things b this smooth? am i prepared for failure? i'm not perfect.

i cant say how well i've done this semester. i made a pact with myself, my true self. i inisisted that there were two me(s), one evil, and one good. i insisted that the evil me had taken over. i was wrong. there was always me, and just me. i juz had to take it out on somebody, that's all. i forgot to do the most basic thing of all basic things before i started out my life - to be true to my heart. now i found my way back. =)

spending hours and hours a day feeling sorry for myself because i couldn't do what i TOT i had to do, won't make things any better. for starters, my fren died this year. there was pain, there was sorrow, but there were no tears in my eyes. none at all. because i finally realised the truth. i wasn't sad that he left. i was sda he didn't say goodbye. i wasn't prepared at all. knowing this, i know i cant change what's happened. i cant expect myself to do more than what i can do. but i noe, i'll always keep him here, in my heart, and live my life for a greater good, in his memory. that's what i shud hav done a long time ago.

my grandma's disease hit me hard as well. but i have to be frank. i have to learn to accpet the truth. people grow old, they come to a time where, well... they have to let go. i have to let go too. its hard to say i admit so, but yes, i admit so. i dun feel one bit darn good about it at all. yet, accepting the facts make me feel better, at least allowing me to see things more clearly than I've ever been able to in a long time. so yes... i cnat do anything about this, not for her, not for anybody's sake. but i can promise myself that i will not let the same thing happen to MY mother, if at all, something comes up. I swear it.

i sit in my bed all day, looking at the laptop screen, and yet i blame myself for not knowing whats goin on out there. i delay myself to take 2 steps to refill my container for a drink of water, yet i tell the world that i cant b stronger. its a matter of the mind, i know. emotions, feelings, sentiments... its all a decoy to what really matters, whats really important - the heart. if i cant learn to see things at its core, i cant move forward. forget goin to London, and makin big bucks, and all the future plans i hav for myself. i cant even understand what's goin on in my own head. till i figure that out, i'm gonna hav to just get my lazy bum off the softness and warmth of the comforter, and into my thinkin chair.

i am a non-believer of extremities - yet i'm gettin the idea that i'm living like one. i say i dun accept the turth as it is, that there will always be other possibilities, yet i cant take failure, only sucess. contradictory, isnt it?

so all the mushy stuff aside, i need to remind myself of how good it felt to write, to share and to listen to my own heart again. writing was never about telling people what happened, or who died, or who won the world cup. its about saying things that matter from ur heart, and in return, open up to thiers.

i appreciate 3 people that gave me a reason to feel joyful these past months. I'll start with my best buddy, Alairic Ruben. He gave me lots of ideas, tots, and a real insight to life. We've been frens for the past 5 years, and frankly, without his support, I'll not get all the revelations I currently have. He reminds me of what I need to be, from the ground up, to listen to my heart again. TO see things the way I used to see it. Not detesting progress or belittling facts, but learning to look from the ground up and see things from the solidity of its base, and learn to work my way up to the top.

Alex Mah, my current employer and MD of the place I work at. He's a little more, eccentric. The guy's never been to a club, never been to McD @ 4 in the morning. He's basically a simple guy, the most simple guy I've come to know. He takes business seriously. I learned that dispite the ideas and crazy ass stuff that I can come up with, until I learn to take the handle and do a proper cartwheel, it doesn't really matter what kind of bike, decorations or how we're selling the tickets. He gave me that purpose, to seek myself and learn to do things from the ground up.

Alex Phoon, the guy who never fails to dissapoint me. I learnt a very easy lesson from him, be true to yourself. Take it like a man, and let things fall down by itself. Eventually things just fall back into palce again. No need to take up so much until u reach a point u cant grab hold of anymore, and ultimately u lose at everything. step by step, easy and steady. that's how u win the game. it doesnt matter what ppl say, or how much they judge u. u learn to tkae things as they are, and learn to see things thru ur own eyes. Being in Kampar is bad, because I choose to believe it is bad. if i choose to see it as a blessing, and yes, i begin to feel its alright. I'mn learning alot these few years, from folk that I will never have a chance to meet if i took the second option.

So that's it from me. I cant wait till 2mr, but yet again, I'll probably not wake up in time for class again if I keep this up. exams start on the 30th, and its already the 11th. 19 days to go, a total of 40 chapters to burn. set my study gear in motion, and get myself off this darn deathbed before i really die by the age of 27.