The story goes on. Life goes on. Its the last day of October, and the final two months of the year are already dawning. Forget all the 2012 bu**shi* and the threat of other possible 'quick death' consequences. At this moment, I just want to close my eyes, and let everything sink in. For better or worse.
One of the hardest things I had to face this year was both my grandma and the loss of my fren. Its deafening, this silence. Yet, I feel more no tears, no more remorse, no more regret. Maybe I've let go, maybe I've convinced myself of whats important in life. But knowing myself, I don't let things go so easily. Especially when they mean the world to me.
One moment. Thats all I need. And it happened.
I took my time, taking it all in, slowly, yet surely. And things started to make sense. No point in blaming, no pointing of fingers this time. No more past mistakes to think through, because thats all done. I feel lonely still, yes. But in this loneliness, it gave birth to a new kind of resolution I've never felt before in my life.
All this time, things revolving around me were considered no more than 'sub-important entities of life'. Things that could be molded and bent into any shape to fit into your life. I got over that today. Nothing in life, is absolute. There is no 'certainty' that you will always be able to control what happens around you. U just have to be prepared. It sounds morbid, to expect something to occur, especially when its as dark as death and misery, but being prepared for it... just gives you this rather strong resolve to live life even fuller now.
I had my hopes, my dreams. My share of pain and stubbornness. But that was back then, when I had only MYSELF to think about. No responsibilities, no risks. I probably should have realized all these earlier. But hey, when do you get to grow up right? Better now than never. I wont say that things are different. I still live in the same place, live by the same rules, and part of my life has always been dedicated to those people who I've cherished all my life. But today, its official. I don't live for myself anymore, I know that. For years now, all I've been doing is just, running away from things that I thought were impossible. I just wanted to get in and get out. Reap the fruits without having to pay the price.
My life, has always been about me, like it or not.
But as of now... I have other people to look after. That's why I must get better, faster, stronger. I know I don't need to protect them at all, they are all grown up and they have a new path to follow. But I want to be there when they need someone to actually be there. When they need me the most. No matter what, where or why.
Life is no bed of roses. Sir Patrick thought me that. I know I have not been the brightest, or the smartest, or the most entertaining in his class, but having endured those 4 years of non-stop pounded of knowledge, morales, values and perspectives from that man's point of view, he shaped me to take into account the things in life that matter the most to me. And for that, I owe him much much more that he'll ever realize.
There are others too. People whom depend on me, that I used to just shout out 'I wont let you down'. And I lived up to those challenges, not all, but proudly, most. And I'm pleased about it. But things will be tougher, more impossible. And there will be a time where no matter how fast you run, you just won't be able to catch up with this insane thing called life. That, is when my promises will HAVE to turn to dust, and that is something I am trying to avoid.
And yes, I found myself again. Those uncertain years, those past memories... I still hold dear, but not close to my heart anymore, because they are now in my soul. I need the space in my heart for newer and more challenging things. Frens who know me, who don;t or who think they know me, have offered valuable advise, and trust me when I say this, I've never forgotten those words shared. The only problem is... So many of you have, you know... left. I never thought of it this way, but absence really does makes the heart fonder. Time and time again I recap on happy moments, so much so that I lose track of my todays and my nows.
And then theres you. I never got to say these words to you, and I don't know if you'll ever read them again. But this, right here, is coming from that same person you knew a year ago. The same person who shared your heart, even for a brief moment, and by doing so made him the happiest man on the planet. I made no apologies, and I shed no tears. Because for better or for worse, we both know things will not work out eventually. But trust me, I've cherished every dam moment. Every action, every word, every blurry image, made me think, made me consider, made me better. =)
Hatred, vengeance, morbidity and sorrow. They have been my source of inspiration. My Uni days have been, what my UTAR pals call, EMO. Yes, hilarious. What a man falls back to when he is all alone, is sometimes so ridiculous, yet comforting to the soul. Holding on to shards of memory and EXPECTING them to make your day is bullcrap, and we all know it. But forsaking those memories is more foolish.. I'll never make that same mistake again. Tell you the truth, I've not met a single fren in Kampar that could match up to any of you wonderful souls. I'm not saying this because I wanna compare. I'm not saying this out of anger and discontent. But rather, I'm saying how much some of you mean to me, and how much you've changed me, that I don;'t believe I'll be able to find in an environment where competitiveness and striving forward without looking back is key to survival. And everytime I think back on these shard of broken memories, now that MADE MY DAY. =)
Learning... understanding... and ultimately using it. Thats total emotional management. Learning it the hard way, for the past 10 years. I admit to all those foolishness, all those times where I was unable to let things go without a fight, even if it were for the most stupid of reasons. I believe in no God, only truth and philosophy, which, many people are gonna criticize me for, but hey, I don't believe in a one God. I still believe in a superpower that governs the universe and all, but I prefer to start with myself before understanding other possibilities. The Middle Way.
So no, I don;t know if I've grown any wiser, or any better till this moment. But I can tell you. I feel so much better now. And I didn;t need the excuse of companionship, or I needed someone, or I needed to preoccupy myself with workloads or whatever. I just... woke up.
How much more of life is there? I cant tell. But how far will I go, for the sake of the people I'm going to risk my life to protect? Till I draw my last breath.
My rules haven't changed. Do more expect less. Less rewards does not mean less content. I already know what needs to be done. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself. Having done it now, I only hope it is not too late.
'I've always liked this statement of life... what its compared to, how people link life to a myriad of events or routines in life. But I think I'll stop doing that for a moment. Cuz just for now, I think I have a set idea of what life means to me. Not a person, not a dream a wish or a goal. Its something larger.....'
