i'm not perfect

i was wondering when the feeling would come back. this urge to write, to blog, to express myself. i realised a thing or two today, and one of it, was that i turned from writing to express, to writing to impress. i'll stick to the former from this day forth, because who am i kidding? i can write to court and woo if i put my heart to it, but these words arent't going to put food on my table. not yet. =)

so i took some time these few days, collecting my tots, giving myself a vacation, if u will. and i come to realize, there's just so much mistakes in my life. i'm 22 this year. its like, a flash since i started writing this blog back in form 6. but i wont start reflecting on my past like i use to. not today. today, i wanna talk about my mistakes. =)

i spent so much time gazing the stars, i never took the time to look at the moon, even when she was juz rite thtr in front of me. i spent so many night thinkin about the past, that i never took the courage to take a step into the future. i made a promise to myself, and this time, i made it. but how many more times will things b this smooth? am i prepared for failure? i'm not perfect.

i cant say how well i've done this semester. i made a pact with myself, my true self. i inisisted that there were two me(s), one evil, and one good. i insisted that the evil me had taken over. i was wrong. there was always me, and just me. i juz had to take it out on somebody, that's all. i forgot to do the most basic thing of all basic things before i started out my life - to be true to my heart. now i found my way back. =)

spending hours and hours a day feeling sorry for myself because i couldn't do what i TOT i had to do, won't make things any better. for starters, my fren died this year. there was pain, there was sorrow, but there were no tears in my eyes. none at all. because i finally realised the truth. i wasn't sad that he left. i was sda he didn't say goodbye. i wasn't prepared at all. knowing this, i know i cant change what's happened. i cant expect myself to do more than what i can do. but i noe, i'll always keep him here, in my heart, and live my life for a greater good, in his memory. that's what i shud hav done a long time ago.

my grandma's disease hit me hard as well. but i have to be frank. i have to learn to accpet the truth. people grow old, they come to a time where, well... they have to let go. i have to let go too. its hard to say i admit so, but yes, i admit so. i dun feel one bit darn good about it at all. yet, accepting the facts make me feel better, at least allowing me to see things more clearly than I've ever been able to in a long time. so yes... i cnat do anything about this, not for her, not for anybody's sake. but i can promise myself that i will not let the same thing happen to MY mother, if at all, something comes up. I swear it.

i sit in my bed all day, looking at the laptop screen, and yet i blame myself for not knowing whats goin on out there. i delay myself to take 2 steps to refill my container for a drink of water, yet i tell the world that i cant b stronger. its a matter of the mind, i know. emotions, feelings, sentiments... its all a decoy to what really matters, whats really important - the heart. if i cant learn to see things at its core, i cant move forward. forget goin to London, and makin big bucks, and all the future plans i hav for myself. i cant even understand what's goin on in my own head. till i figure that out, i'm gonna hav to just get my lazy bum off the softness and warmth of the comforter, and into my thinkin chair.

i am a non-believer of extremities - yet i'm gettin the idea that i'm living like one. i say i dun accept the turth as it is, that there will always be other possibilities, yet i cant take failure, only sucess. contradictory, isnt it?

so all the mushy stuff aside, i need to remind myself of how good it felt to write, to share and to listen to my own heart again. writing was never about telling people what happened, or who died, or who won the world cup. its about saying things that matter from ur heart, and in return, open up to thiers.

i appreciate 3 people that gave me a reason to feel joyful these past months. I'll start with my best buddy, Alairic Ruben. He gave me lots of ideas, tots, and a real insight to life. We've been frens for the past 5 years, and frankly, without his support, I'll not get all the revelations I currently have. He reminds me of what I need to be, from the ground up, to listen to my heart again. TO see things the way I used to see it. Not detesting progress or belittling facts, but learning to look from the ground up and see things from the solidity of its base, and learn to work my way up to the top.

Alex Mah, my current employer and MD of the place I work at. He's a little more, eccentric. The guy's never been to a club, never been to McD @ 4 in the morning. He's basically a simple guy, the most simple guy I've come to know. He takes business seriously. I learned that dispite the ideas and crazy ass stuff that I can come up with, until I learn to take the handle and do a proper cartwheel, it doesn't really matter what kind of bike, decorations or how we're selling the tickets. He gave me that purpose, to seek myself and learn to do things from the ground up.

Alex Phoon, the guy who never fails to dissapoint me. I learnt a very easy lesson from him, be true to yourself. Take it like a man, and let things fall down by itself. Eventually things just fall back into palce again. No need to take up so much until u reach a point u cant grab hold of anymore, and ultimately u lose at everything. step by step, easy and steady. that's how u win the game. it doesnt matter what ppl say, or how much they judge u. u learn to tkae things as they are, and learn to see things thru ur own eyes. Being in Kampar is bad, because I choose to believe it is bad. if i choose to see it as a blessing, and yes, i begin to feel its alright. I'mn learning alot these few years, from folk that I will never have a chance to meet if i took the second option.

So that's it from me. I cant wait till 2mr, but yet again, I'll probably not wake up in time for class again if I keep this up. exams start on the 30th, and its already the 11th. 19 days to go, a total of 40 chapters to burn. set my study gear in motion, and get myself off this darn deathbed before i really die by the age of 27.