Onegai Shimatsu...

Onegai...
Y cant it be still for a moment. One minute I feel like flying, the next I start falling again. Its not funny, nor is it something I enjoy feeling all the time. Its so unstable!!! >.<

I hav soooo much to live for, so stop coming back and kacau me already. Just when I start thinkin life here's ok, u come back and strangle me. Wat is it that u want from me??

Feelin lost in the middle of salvation, sorrow in the middle of jubilation, pain in the middle of soothness. What is it, that can make this feeling stop? Y does the need to go all out continue to haunt me?

And so...

And so...

The story goes on. Life goes on. Its the last day of October, and the final two months of the year are already dawning. Forget all the 2012 bu**shi* and the threat of other possible 'quick death' consequences. At this moment, I just want to close my eyes, and let everything sink in. For better or worse.

One of the hardest things I had to face this year was both my grandma and the loss of my fren. Its deafening, this silence. Yet, I feel more no tears, no more remorse, no more regret. Maybe I've let go, maybe I've convinced myself of whats important in life. But knowing myself, I don't let things go so easily. Especially when they mean the world to me.

One moment. Thats all I need. And it happened.

I took my time, taking it all in, slowly, yet surely. And things started to make sense. No point in blaming, no pointing of fingers this time. No more past mistakes to think through, because thats all done. I feel lonely still, yes. But in this loneliness, it gave birth to a new kind of resolution I've never felt before in my life.

All this time, things revolving around me were considered no more than 'sub-important entities of life'. Things that could be molded and bent into any shape to fit into your life. I got over that today. Nothing in life, is absolute. There is no 'certainty' that you will always be able to control what happens around you. U just have to be prepared. It sounds morbid, to expect something to occur, especially when its as dark as death and misery, but being prepared for it... just gives you this rather strong resolve to live life even fuller now.

I had my hopes, my dreams. My share of pain and stubbornness. But that was back then, when I had only MYSELF to think about. No responsibilities, no risks. I probably should have realized all these earlier. But hey, when do you get to grow up right? Better now than never. I wont say that things are different. I still live in the same place, live by the same rules, and part of my life has always been dedicated to those people who I've cherished all my life. But today, its official. I don't live for myself anymore, I know that. For years now, all I've been doing is just, running away from things that I thought were impossible. I just wanted to get in and get out. Reap the fruits without having to pay the price.

My life, has always been about me, like it or not.

But as of now... I have other people to look after. That's why I must get better, faster, stronger. I know I don't need to protect them at all, they are all grown up and they have a new path to follow. But I want to be there when they need someone to actually be there. When they need me the most. No matter what, where or why.

Life is no bed of roses. Sir Patrick thought me that. I know I have not been the brightest, or the smartest, or the most entertaining in his class, but having endured those 4 years of non-stop pounded of knowledge, morales, values and perspectives from that man's point of view, he shaped me to take into account the things in life that matter the most to me. And for that, I owe him much much more that he'll ever realize.

There are others too. People whom depend on me, that I used to just shout out 'I wont let you down'. And I lived up to those challenges, not all, but proudly, most. And I'm pleased about it. But things will be tougher, more impossible. And there will be a time where no matter how fast you run, you just won't be able to catch up with this insane thing called life. That, is when my promises will HAVE to turn to dust, and that is something I am trying to avoid.

And yes, I found myself again. Those uncertain years, those past memories... I still hold dear, but not close to my heart anymore, because they are now in my soul. I need the space in my heart for newer and more challenging things. Frens who know me, who don;t or who think they know me, have offered valuable advise, and trust me when I say this, I've never forgotten those words shared. The only problem is... So many of you have, you know... left. I never thought of it this way, but absence really does makes the heart fonder. Time and time again I recap on happy moments, so much so that I lose track of my todays and my nows.

And then theres you. I never got to say these words to you, and I don't know if you'll ever read them again. But this, right here, is coming from that same person you knew a year ago. The same person who shared your heart, even for a brief moment, and by doing so made him the happiest man on the planet. I made no apologies, and I shed no tears. Because for better or for worse, we both know things will not work out eventually. But trust me, I've cherished every dam moment. Every action, every word, every blurry image, made me think, made me consider, made me better. =)

Hatred, vengeance, morbidity and sorrow. They have been my source of inspiration. My Uni days have been, what my UTAR pals call, EMO. Yes, hilarious. What a man falls back to when he is all alone, is sometimes so ridiculous, yet comforting to the soul. Holding on to shards of memory and EXPECTING them to make your day is bullcrap, and we all know it. But forsaking those memories is more foolish.. I'll never make that same mistake again. Tell you the truth, I've not met a single fren in Kampar that could match up to any of you wonderful souls. I'm not saying this because I wanna compare. I'm not saying this out of anger and discontent. But rather, I'm saying how much some of you mean to me, and how much you've changed me, that I don;'t believe I'll be able to find in an environment where competitiveness and striving forward without looking back is key to survival. And everytime I think back on these shard of broken memories, now that MADE MY DAY. =)

Learning... understanding... and ultimately using it. Thats total emotional management. Learning it the hard way, for the past 10 years. I admit to all those foolishness, all those times where I was unable to let things go without a fight, even if it were for the most stupid of reasons. I believe in no God, only truth and philosophy, which, many people are gonna criticize me for, but hey, I don't believe in a one God. I still believe in a superpower that governs the universe and all, but I prefer to start with myself before understanding other possibilities. The Middle Way.

So no, I don;t know if I've grown any wiser, or any better till this moment. But I can tell you. I feel so much better now. And I didn;t need the excuse of companionship, or I needed someone, or I needed to preoccupy myself with workloads or whatever. I just... woke up.

How much more of life is there? I cant tell. But how far will I go, for the sake of the people I'm going to risk my life to protect? Till I draw my last breath.

My rules haven't changed. Do more expect less. Less rewards does not mean less content. I already know what needs to be done. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself. Having done it now, I only hope it is not too late.

'I've always liked this statement of life... what its compared to, how people link life to a myriad of events or routines in life. But I think I'll stop doing that for a moment. Cuz just for now, I think I have a set idea of what life means to me. Not a person, not a dream a wish or a goal. Its something larger.....'

Hey...

Hey you...
Little boy.
Staring at the wall.

What's on your mind?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Can you see the way I see?

Yes... life's hard.
But one day,
when ur as old as I am.
U'll know.

How sweet it is,
To be loved,
And to love.
How funny things can be,
One moment your on the top of the world,
and the next you're looking up the sky,
at the clear blue clouds above.
Wondering how, and why.

Its a precious thing,
this thing called life.
Don't ever let anyone tell you,
'Its not worth living',
'Its too hard',
'Its not gonna happen'.
because its too precious..
To let go of.

DO you know why,
I set out to do,
what I had to do?
No, I guess not.
Not everyone bothers.

I live, to make sure people live.
Does that sound funny to you?
Yes, it did to me too.
I always cared for others.
So much so that I forget myself.
I cheer people on,
So much that I forget to move forward myself.
I was always there to give,
So much that people take,
Until I had no more.

And at the end of the day,
Little boy.
Where do i stand?
After giving away so much.

I sleep now in the streets,
playing an old violin,
so passers-by can give me a penny,
to buy my bread.
I drink from the morning dews that gather,
on the leaves near my old little hut near the gutters.

I have no one to love no more,
Because they called me a fool.
Ihave no frens no more,
Because they said I was too willing,
and too silly.

ANd they told me,
that my life was wasted,
that it was not worth living,
That it was all gone down the drain,
Which is ironically,
Where I sleep at night.

LIttle boy,
Listen close, and listen well.

Yes,I am nobody.
Right now, the world mocks me behind my back.
They laugh at my stupidity,
They jeer and they sneer and they call me awful names.
But, little boy,
I am not shaken.
I blamenobody.
I still live strong,
I still give, when I possibly can.

Do you know why?
Because for what I have done,
there are now hundreds,
maybe more,
that are living a GOOD life.
There are souls,
that were once lost,
that have found thier way.
There are children,
who never had the chance,
being born into the world today.

I may be a beggar,
N I may wear dirty old clothes.
But my life and soul,
little boy,
is enriched.
I sleep well at night.
I eat well.
I know no desire,
vice or malice.
I require no liquor,
no sex, no greed or envy.

For I have given this world,
My best,
My everything.
And I am still living my life,
the way I want it to be.

Let them jeer and sneer and laugh and mock,
For I need not live in their shadow,
Or the walls they build inside thier heads.
My soul is pure, and my heart is true.

And that, little boy,
Is what's important.
because for all that matters, little boy.

people can take away your life,
your fortune, your waelth;
your achievements, your dreams,
your goals,your ambition,
your work, your credit,
your fame, your position.

But they will never, ever...
Take away your pride,
your soul, and your heart.
That is one legacy,
That I am set out to do.

So don't cry, little boy.
They cant hurt you,
they cant harm you,
They can only mock and jeer and sneer and laugh,
But these things don't matter,
To the heart.

-Little Boy-
VanRyuzuki

OneRepublic - Secrets

Love this song soooo much!!! Thx Alex for intro-ing to me one day after goin to watch 'Sorcerer's Aprrentice' and enjoyin himself.xD jkjk

8 Gates of Emotional Control

In ancient Japan, spiritual leaders once believed that men possessed the power to become gods, thru a method called the 8 celestial gates. These gates are within each and everyone of us, and have the ability to open, only with true undersanding, will power, courage and several other requirements and elements that require them to achieve so. By slowly opening these 8 gates, men can achieve the path to heaven and ultimately become heavenly beings themselves.

I dunno, sounds really freaky to me.

But what I do understand is this one thing. The ancient monks of Japan used these as a gradual step to achieving something, which is where I got the idea from. Time and time again, we feel emotions, that sometimes go wild, out of control. Ur first kiss, a first hug, a betrayal, a big loss.. These feelings sometimes erupt and cause devastation to ourselves and the people around us should they go out of hand, because of the lack of control we have over them. Many ways of controlling emotions are out there, including therapy and self-searching, but since I enjoy doing stuff just because it interests me, I guess this can help me in someway or another.

We usually lose control, because according to these people, the 8 gates within us are basically opening without cohesion. Meaning they open at random, when u don't realize it. I dunno bout other people, but I feel the dam same way. I can be very excited one moment, and very down the next moment. I can feel like on top of the world, and the next moment I feel like s***. The monks in ancient Japan used the 8 celestial gates method to actually teach themselves how to gradually open these gate WHEN THEY NEED THEM, meaning having control over your OWN feelings. U can feel happy even when u are sad, feel like ur on top of the world even after a break-up and all that. Sounds like a load of bull, I know, but I'm not interested in the specifics, I just wanna know how I can gain control over my emotions, though... it does sound pretty cool to be able to feel what I want whenever I want to. xDD

Ok. Initially I thought 'that's lying to myself, right?' like self hypnotizing myself to believe that I am happy when I'm sad. But not really. Its all about understanding what ur emotions are really about. Finding out the reason why u CANT be happy, when ur sad. Why u CANT just let go of something and move on. Its a complicated process, but the key is to understand how u feel. And this is the part where many people, especially myself, fail to do all the time. Theoretically, yes, I know its what I should do, but its easier said than done right?

So when I think about it, why not result to this, cuz I'm always interested in stuff like this. xDD The 8 gates begin with the gate of emptiness or void, or ground zero. U can basically call them anything u want to, as long as the idea behind them remains. It allows us to be oblivious to everything that happens around us. Now, most of the time I, even many others,cannot , or have never realized it before, but when we meditate, when we sit down, relax, take a breather after a fight, or when we sit down and think things thru, the 1st gate opens. Some people are going 'bulls***' now but I dun giva ***... xDD Whats important here, is that knowing that there is indeed a gate like this, actually allows us to always remember to go back to the beginning, ground zero, or the point before everything happened, and reflect on the wrong moves u've made. It allows u to think and contemplate about the things to do, the thing that should not have been done, and then, u get answers, faster than anything else. (Zero theory)

The second gate to the seventh gate are not really important to me, because its all gradual stages of understanding the way things work, and eventually achieving things ONE STEP AT A TIME. But what is important, and like what a gud fren o' mine once told me, the world renown motivator, Tony Robbins used a similar method to encourage people to improve themselves. He says 'a penny a day is much easier than trying to aim higher and finding impossible ways to achieve something big in life' He tot me that it was easier to achieve goals step by step, little by little, because it is much easier and requires less effort, and the effects are amazing, cuz u dun realize how much u've achieved after that.

The 2nd to the 7th gate is just to label them according to ur own needs. For example, u can distinguish between what is gate 2 and gate 3 for urself. If I say gate 2 makes me happy, then i need to figure out what is there in gate 3 that can make me happier? If gate 3 makes me a better man, then how do i go on until i reach and become the perfect man, all the way up to gate 7?

So then, I come to gate 8, or the heaven's gate. It starting to sound like a bad naruto rip-off with guy-sensei and all that but hey,I got most of the inspiration from there. xDD The 8th gate is basically the gate which, I would, right now, in my current condition, call it impossible. because gate 8, is the grand finale. It is the final destination. It is the last gate, when u finally and truly understand all of the 7 gates, and most importantly, have the mental ability to access ANY ONE of those gates at your own WILL. That's just kick-ass cool. Its like me going from 50sph to 180sph! (smiles per hour) xDD just kidding. Its like me going from being really sad to bouncing back and be able to let go and get on with life, in a shorter time than most people. What I learned is that if I can have the ability to take my sadness or emotional distresses and then put them away for a while, do things that are more important, and then get back to it later, it will be really swell. Also, I would love to be able to take less damage from emotional distress and that sort of thing, like feeling less pain, because I finally UNDERSTAND what is going on.

So, conclusion is this. I cant do this the normal way, because its boring. So I jumbled up all these really awesome (to me) methods and came up with my own 8-gate theory to suppress my negative feelings and express the good ones. Also to understand my own feelings, my weaknesses, and then gradually be able to grow confident about who I really am and finally portray my strengths at all times.

Void Gate --->Gate 2 ---> Gate 3 --->Gate 4---> Gate 5 --->Gate 6 --->Gate 7 ---> Heaven's Gate

Sounds really funny, but I think we shud learn things in interesting ways, so why not giv it a try. xDD I just hav to label these gates according to what I want them to be, and everytime I feel sad or down all I gotta do is think back, and remember how small the steps were to move from one gate to another and gradually, yet slowly and at a comfortable pace reach the gate that I want to,which the process I hope will be much faster with more practice. ^^

I understand now

I now noe... it was not me. I now noe... all this while... that it was me who was the fool. It was me who had done so much to bring ppl together. N now it is me who is suffering in silence. Today, I've come to a decision. I need you no more. No more than the hair on my chest.

For a moment there, I was blinded by what I tot was true, but all I noe now,is that I was used, played with. I gave it everything I've got,and what do I get in return?

There is no longer the need to look back, because everything I've believe in, every hope, every dream, is no longer yours. Every idea I've shared, I'm taking them back. Every nerve, every congratulations, every yearning, every encouragement, everything. I'm forsaking you,and I'mtaking everything back.

I've gone thru my databases today, and the more of the photos I see, the more of the videos I've went through, the more clear I am as to who was wrong, and who was right. Today, it ends. Today, my new dream and my new hopes, taht no longer concerns you, begins.

The day you even begin to realise what you have done, is the day you will understand it is too late.

Because like I once said to you.

'It takes a lifetime to build trust, but only a second to tear it all down.'

I'm angered too deep to turn back the clock. I've no more wishes, no more prayers for you.

'I have, finally, after so many years, another scar on me, but this time, I want it on the front of me, not on my back, because I've got nothing more to hang on to, and there is no disgrace for me to move on.

One day, you will understand. One day, you will realise. And on that day. You will noe... that I have left you.

Gurghh..

N da cooking continues... xDD (mashed potatoes)

Went for Robson's bday

Dave n his bragi-ing violin...

Yea... try smiling having to go 4 trips back n forth from Kampar to KL in juz 3 weeks.

N heres a random shot. xDDD

Finished the last of my crazy ass assignments, got bak my midterm results and finally having the last chance to savour some rest before the big rush to the finals in 2 weeks time. =.='' in one way its hectic, but otherwise it wont be Uni life now isn't it.. xDDDD Sicne I havent been blogging for god-knows how long, I guess its only fair that I put something up to show I'm not in Mars doing back flips with the locals there.

A lot happened recently, but I don't, won't n will not develop the mood to take pics of these events n post it on fb or my blog. 1st of all, my childhood fren, Andrew, just passed away recently. The burn in my heart is tremendous, and I cant help but leak a tear or two at night. His funeral was... how do I put it, something I knew I had to attend. I actually skipped a night's sleep and my midterm exams to attend his funeral. N lemme tell you, I do not regret whatever I had done. It was good to see familiar faces there that day, but it really breaks my heart to see those faces in tears and shattered souls...

I've been doing a crazy amount of trips back to KL as well, almost 4 trips in 3 weeks. There were a couple more I guess, but I kinda lost count. Jian Yin's homecoming, Robson's b'day, etc etc. I'll try to get those updated as soon as I can, but meanwhile, there's the problem of time and the upcoming finals... =.=''''

I'm experimenting with more cooking recipes now, xDD and I have to say its really fun. Juz did a huge spring cleaning today, and adjusted my room a little here and there.

Having several issues within the group here, but thankfully I have REAL frens who would stand up for me when I need them the most. It really tells alot from thier actions, and I'm grateful. Naruto, One Piece and now Fairy Tail marathons completed, waiting for the next big thing.

Self piano lessons, with - u saw right- Aliaric Ruben (If Daniel saw this he would have gone LMAOO), cuz apparently he knows his stuff. haha. I'm saving up for a new phone, and things are getting more and more hectic even as I type. I'm spending my free time adjusting notes, cleaning my room, and playing pool at new town ( really cheap though, heh..)

Oh and just so I don't forget, there was this one time, when I went home to KL, I met my ex-tutor, Mr. Sam, whose African, and he took me to this really awesome place down at Plaza Warisan. Haha. N yeah.. African food babe!!!

Ladies finger with chillies

o this is good... xDD beef stomach!!!!

The goreng pisang of Africa!

Dun let looks fool ya. It looked ordinary to me too, but the taste was really magnificant!!

N this is the table setting. That thingy in the middle is actually flour paste,
unlike the rice we take, they take it barehanded, and its really good!

Jake was there as well, but he didn't have the guts to take it all down! Haha. I guess its not for everyone, huh? I liked the pumpkin seeds best (not in pic, too bz munching tat time. xDD), and the beef stomach was really something. Drop me a line, and I'll take u there one day (if u dare. xDD)

Oh yeah, I'm running low on reading amterial too, so if anyone sees this, lemme borrow some books.. =.='' I really need some. Kampar's void of good books. Zzz...

And that's that. Probably going to head back home to KL sometime, but god-knows when. My sis's b'day, mom-n-dad's anniversary, big-uncle's bday... all coming up in september and october. N sis's planning something as well. Well... hope my exams dun clash with these times.. T.T

That's it then. Peace out!

'Men should continue to walk forward, even if they lose a limb, thier sight, thier hearing, thier smell, or thier taste along the way, because god is fair, even if u dun believe in him, and he gives u back ten-fold what he takes away from you, unless u in turn does not deserve it in the first place.' VanRyuzuki -looking back at the old times, but not reminiscing no more, because I promised to live, now ever stronger. Cuz I know you're looking down and blessing me from above. I know u are. ..

All the small things

A breezy day. TO tell the truth, I cant really tell. I assumed it was breezy through the slightly shaking leaves on the braches of the little green trees right oposite my window, near the basketball court. The court... reminds me alot what he was like. =)

Its still early in the morning, and I'm all dressed up for the final midterm exam. Not sure about the time and all that, but rushing over to meet the teacher anyways.

Someone once told me that 'Death is merely the beginning, never the end'. I'm still having a heard time believing that. Maybe in time, those tears will finally come, but until then, all I can hold within me is an anger, an anger for the harshness of reality. So suddenwas the blow that it caused pain, immense pain in amny people I hold dear. Yet at the same time it brought me a kind of peace, a kind of resolution, the same feeling u get when u finally come to an end of a road, or the tip of a mountain. A kind of... finale.

There is still a long way to go from here. But from here on out, I have one less heart to link to, and it doesnt feel the same no more.

Bless us all... I'll promise I'll be strong. But not now. Now, I'll just let all the emptiness flood me to the brim.

Dear Andrew

Life... and its cycles.
Come to think of it, its awfully sudden.
Like a brick wall.
TOwering above you.
One day, u see a little crack.
And you think 'Hey, its insignificant.'
A week later, the crack starts to grow, by a little.
N u think 'Ah, its nothing.'
A month later, the crack starts to split up,
This time, you've forgotten about it,
like a piece of old newspaper on the sidewalks.
Months turn to years, and years turn to decades.

N one day, when u go back to the same spot.

The wall's gone.
All that's left are but rubbles,
memories of what were and what were not.

-Andrew, dear fren. Its been a while, a long while since I last saw you. THough I dont remember much, padon my poor memory, I recall that spirited, kind and warm personality within that always kept us going, no matter where we were, whatever we did. I remember camps in Bentong and Derasu, where u always played afool, made fun of people. I remember you taking chances at my sister, and ohh, how those memories were both ridiculously funny, yet leaving a tear in my eye. I remember the prom nite of 2004, where we all went drunk and staggered around Bukit Bintang. I remember those smiles, those laughters, those verses and melodies from you, how much u loved arts and the sketches u loved to draw; the naughty little things u always did, haha... Boys be boys, eh? I remember the school days, the basketball court day, the good days, wehre we hung out, talked about life, talked about girls, about what's to be, and what's yet to be found. About the bad days, when u had my back, like a brother, like a true pal. Like a man. I can only pray that you have gone to a better place, my dear fren. I am still shaken, really badly, by this loss. I noe others who are too. My sister, CHee kar, Li Qun, Li Huan, Chun Leong, Ah Mun, Kvin, .... We go a long way back. I'm sorry... I can't make it in time for your service, but I'll try, whatever and however possible, to come back to KL. Andrew... once a borther, always a brother. WAtch over us, yeah? Like u always did.

Ur dear fren, Zhi Wang.

F!

U noe... seriously.. afta not blogging for so long and I finally hav ethe urge to do so, I am really pissed off to hav to admit that I'm not blogging about nice things in a long time. I'm farking pissed off. U noe why? I just realised, that there are actually ppl in this world, who think they can get away with anything, bcuz they have ppl who idiotically cover up the truth for them.

Sorry man. I live in a world dominated by wisdom, righteousness and a sense of integrity. I dont steep so low juz to make a point, and turn my humanity over juz like tat. Just today, in class, I witnessed my best fren do the most ridiculous thing I could have imagined in my life. I made a point, he was wrong, and he had the audecity to turn the whole thing around, and make it look like I WAS THE ONE AT FAULT. How? Juz by smiling and making a sinister comment, that made everyone in the room think that I just made a joe and he was right.

If facial expressions dominated the world, then I would be in trouble. Seriously, I don;t have a very convincing look all the time, cuz I take my life the way I like it to be. But to think such manner of things really do exist! Goddammit! And seriously, its not the first time. Every time the gnag of us go around town, u get the most ridiculous conversations ever! Things that do not even matter. Adn to make things worst, everyrime I try to make a comment, they make it sound like I know nothing of it, and I have to shut it. And if I keep too quiet, I get that 'dude ur emo again' look.

The worst part? Trying to crack up a joke or two, makes me 'unrealiable' and 'not-trust-worthy'. WTF? People crack jokes all the time, and when I do it, they say I talk too much garbage?

I have only a few conclusions . 1. They are against me. 2. They have really bad sense of humour. 3. They think they can get over my head. 4. I owe them, which I definitely don't.

What the hell? I mean its enough that whenever something happens, I do things to help out even without thinking. U guys take it for granted, I understand, cuz I nvr wanted anything in return anyways. But for godsake, what the hell are you thinking?? Are you trying to prove a point to me, to the people around me?

What the fak are you trying to do?

One day.. when my limit reaches the tip of it, then u deserve all that coming, I tell u.

I've been putting up with enough sh*t for a long time now.

*JUT BECAUSE UR LOUD DOES NOT MEAN UR RIGHT!*